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SCRAPS AND TEIFLES.
A gentlemen observing that he fallen asleep during a
sermon preached by a hislwp, a wag remarked ' that it
must have been Bishop the composer.' . )
However great a personage you may think yourself,
the little instrument on which you grind the nutmeg
you put into your negus is a greater.
'Ma, has aunty got bees in her mouth?' 'No; why
do you ask such a question?' ''Cause that little man
with a heap o' hair on bis face said he was going to take
the honey froni her lips ; and she said, ' well, make
haste !' '
A Det Joke. — A minister with not much of a pulpit
gift, came into the place of worship drenched with rain,
and* said to a brother who stood by as be shook, and
brushed, and wiped bis clotbes, 'I shall certainly take
cold if go into the pulpit so wet.' 'Oh, no,' was the
reply' 'you are always dry enough iliere.'
' Poctor,' said Frederick Reynolds, the dramatist, to
Dr. Baillie, the celebrated physician, ' don't you think
that I write too much for my nervous system?' 'No,
I don't,' said Dr. Baillie ; 'but I think you write too
much for your reputation.'
Not A Bad Becommekdation. — An Irish veterinary
sluient, wben under examination, was asked what be
would recommend if there was a horse brought to him
with a particular disease. ' Och ! by the powers,' was
the -answer, 'I'd recommend the owner to get rid of
him immediately.'
A gentleman having engaged a bricklayer to make
some repairs in his cellar, ordered the ale to be removed
before the bricklayer commenced his work. 'Ob, _i'm
hot afraid of the barrel of ale, sir,' said the man. *' I
presume not,' retorted the gentleman ; ' but I think a
barrel of -ale would run at your approach .'
Why may it be 6aid that certain Yankee legislatures
dissolve their meetings very naturally? Because the
members attack each other with chairs, and thus break
up their sitringB.
A bankrupt, on being condoled with for his embar
rassment, replied, 'Oh, I am not at all embarrassed ;
it is my creditors that are embarrassed.' ?
A New Lute. — A fellow in Kentucky, with a railway
imaginatien, wiints to know how long it will be before
they open the equinoctial line.
.. Jokes about Judoes.— A judge having fallen asleep,
the .president of the court, who was taking the opinions
of his brethren, asked Mm for his. 'Hang him ! hang
him !' said the roused sleeper. ' But it concerns a
meadow V returned the surprised president. . ' Mow it,
mow it !' cried the other. There is a somewhat similar
story extant ol a Scottish judge, . who,- having been
asleep, wakened up just as the counsel pleading, hap
pened, to say^ 'Now, my lord, there is a lien on the pro
perty.' If there is a lion on the property/'jnterrupted
the somnolent judge, to show ihatie-was attending to
the case, 'jdecidedlyJt ought tb'ba'chained.' But here
is the last story of the kind we shall offer. A young
judge, newly appointed to an inferior court, having1 had
a cut-purse before him, was told that the criminal should
?be condemned to lose an ear. He accordingly drew up
the sentence Inmself,' and next court day proceeded to
read it: ' We have condemned and hereby do condemn
the said criminal to have his ear cut' off.*' ' Which ear V
asked tiie prisoner, sharply. The judge, taken by sur
prise, replied, touching one of his ears, ' Wb.y-tb.is one.' .
?'Very well, very good,' said the criminal* ' I shall not.
appeal ; and what is more. 1 will cut it off myself, if you
like!'-T*to. _ _ ._ __ ?„-_..'_..-
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