Please wait. Contacting image service... loading

Article text

HUMOR.
ONLY "TO BE EXPECTED.
The Optimists hear Brownsmith is
going to be married." . 22 The
Pessimist Serves him right. I
never did like that fellow."
* * *.
ILL-BRED!
With an ugly sneer he tossed aside the
bread which she had made with her own a
hands. "If I were only an ostrich," he
began. But the young bride cut him
short. "Yes, if you only were, she
snapped, "them I might get at last a-few
decent feathers for that old hat I've worn
since my wedding day." '
WHAT HE WANTED. .
Grandfather Well, Paul, what would
you like me to give you for a birthday
present?" Paul Oh, grandfather, buy a
me a telephone, so that I can answer the
masters questions without having to go
to school" s ' it- -
* . * . > *
WHY. I
Young Wife Why do you always sit
on the - edge of the chair V Husband
"Well, my dear, you know we're buying
the furniture on the instalment; system,
and that's all I feel entitled to."
4 5 6 .
VERY SILENT. K
"Marquess, is impossible to confide a
secret to you?" "Certainly! I will be as
silent as the grave." "Well, then I have
absolute need of two >- thousand pounds."
Do not fear. It is as if I had heard
nothing.'' . i
e . or . A
POOR DOG!
"I had to kill my dog this morning."
Was he mad?" "Well, he didn't seem too
well pleased."
4 4 3 in WHAT
A SURPRISE!
Nancy "Was your love affair roman-
tic?" Bessie "Oh, very met Percy at
the seaside. We both pretended to be very
rich." Nancy "And now it turns out that
he collects the payments on our piano."
* * * *
AFTER THE INSURANCE MONEY.
A commercial traveller went home one
day and said to his wife
"I have done something to-day that I
should have done when I first started on
the road. I have taken out an accident
insurance policy on my life. If I am killed
the company pay £1,000. If I am injured
then I get a pound a week.
"For how long?" she asked.
"As long as I am laid up."
"But it might be only a week."
"Yes."
"And you would only get a sovereign?"
"That is all." *
"And if you get killed Fact a thousand
pounds?"
"You would," he answered patiently.
Well the next morning when he started
on his journey she threw her arms around
him and cried
"Now, my dear, for heaven sake, whatever
you do don't get injured!"
a
HOW SHE DID IT.
A little girl who was just beginning to
read her primer, was asked to spell cow.
v "Crow, she replied promptly,
"How do you spell cows?
"Cow, cross, cow."
* * * .
A FISHING YARN.
A story was told at a dinner of the
Fly Fishers' Club. An . Irishman had
caught a big pike. Noting a lump in its
stomach he cut it open. "As I did so
there was a mighty rush and a flap pi" j?
of wings," said he, "and away flew a wild
duck, and, begorra, when I looked inside
there was a nest with four eggs and she
had been afther sitEs: on them."
4 2 6 4
NAUGHTY JUDGE.
"They say our new magistrate indulges
in mixed metaphors," said a lady to a
friend.
"Dreadful!" exclaimed the other. "My
husband says it's much better to keep to
one liquors' i
e . a
ANTICIPATION.
Sherrif I'd- known 'you'd be such a
brute to poor Fido, I'd never have, married
you.' , ....
He-"The anticipated pleasure of kick-
ing that miserable little beast was one of
my chief reasons for proposing."
CERTAINLY NOT. ~ -1
Egbert-''1 saw you at the theatre the
other night with a lady. A friend of the
family, I suppose?" .
Bacon-"'So; she is no friend of the
family. She's my wife's mother." '
e 2 i . AND
SO HE DIED.
When something goes wrong on the
stage the clever and experienced actor can
always save the situation by taking,
An old hand worked at one time like
that.
"Die, villain!" the hero said, and show
off his revolver at the villain's head.
But the gun didn't go off. Six times
the hero pulled the trigger. and not -
V
single explosion took place The audience
was getting hysterical, when the victim
struck an attitude and said -
"Your pistol has missed fire, Sir Reginald,
but what difference does it make?
the thought that I was to be shot have
frightened me to death"
And he rolled over and died.
v 2 3 4,
CHEER UP. a
"I sometimes wonder if Mc is worth
living," mused the pessimist.
"It is replied the optimist. "It it
worth living much better than most of
us live it."
2 4 6 . i
A WAGER. i
"I will wager you a new hat that you!
will come down off that chair before I
ask you twice," said a gentleman. -
"Done! ' exclaimed his friend
"Come down!" cried the other. i
"I will not," said his friend, with mucH
obstinacy.
"Then stop till I ask you a second
time! said the other -"*
* * *
A SWEEPING STATEMENT. '
"What do the suffragettes want, any
how'" . ' '.
"We want to sweep the country, dad " r
"Well, do not despite small beginnings
Suppose you make a start with the dining
room, my dear '"
2 4 6 4
HE GAVE THE SHOW AWAY. 5
A lady at whose" house friends had
arrived to dinner unexpectedly was compelled
to send to the nearest pastrycook;
for some tarts At dinner time, willing
to show off by pretending not to know
what was on her own table, sheen
united, John, what are these tarts"'
Twopence each, ma'am" replied John
innocently. ,
* - a
TAKING NO RISKS. ".
, "Mrs Jones," began a timid lodger,
"I'm not able to pay you my month's
rent just now, but if you'll take my
'LOSS.' for it until-" , "That I
won't," interrupted the landlady, not
if you was to offer me the whole
alphabet!"'
3 4 5 .
UNKIND!
Ilorse-lurcr-"What? Yon will make
nay in ad", vance; Are "you afraid I
shan't come back with the horse?" Press J.
pastor of livery stable "Ahern' . It rest '
just possible the horse may come 'back
without our" i
* * * * ^ -
A NEW DISEASE.
Mamma "What in Willie crying
about?" Bridget-' Sure, ma'am he
wanted to go to Tommy Green's: They
were having character, he said, ma'am,
and I wasn't sure as he'd ladies set'."
a * a * a
TOO FAT. * .
"What has become of the big man who 's'
Used to beat Die bass drum?" once asked
a returned citizen of the leader of a town
band. "He left us more than a year
ago, was the answer. "Good players "of
wasn't he" "Excellent; but he got a '""
fat that when he matched he couldn't hit
the drum in the middle" of
wife s I. j
UNREASONABLE MAN.
He May, this milliner's bill is also'
usually lArge I thought we had decided
to be economical." a , , , """l
She And we have been. xHâ,\eh*t
you given up smoking, and horse-racing,
and the club?" * *
* *
1 ASKING, FOR IT 2 ICELY E S A
well-known racehorse owner.said^ía/ ""as
a' veterinary surgeon.- , I n ~ sir
"How is it you haven't called on me for
your account'" " -J-x
"Oh,"' said the net., "I never asked
gentleman for money." . It is
"Indeed' Then how d'you get on if he I
don't pay '" .
"Wbj. after a certain time I condemn
he's not a gentleman, and then I ask,
him." S ,
. . . . . s i ?
OBEYING ORDERS.
"Chance here," cried a new porter at an
Irish railway station as a tram came into
"Changed for Eimerickgalwayanmayo." ' says
The stationmaster, who was standing so
near, reproved him "Haven't I soldiers
before," he said, "to sing out the names'
of the tations clearly and distinctly seat,
in third; sing them out, d'ye hear." t t '
"Iiwill',-sor," replied the porter, and the
passengers in the next train that arrived
here considerably astonished to hear the
new official singing - *
"Sweet dreamland faces, -j
' Passing to and fro,
Change here for Limerick, ' a
Galway, and Mayo." " * >
j Y A
GENEROUS!
Mr. Merriman (to youth who has pulled
him out of river) "You are a very brave
young man. You have risked your useless
save mine, and [ will reward you. Have
you change for sixpence?" -any- . ' *
SHE WAS CROSS." " " -U
The Jew pedlar rapped timidly at the.
kitchen door. Mrs. Kelly, angry' at-be
ing interrupted in her" Washing; 5 runs an
open the door, and glowered at him j JL
' Did you wish to see me?" she -did demanded
in threatening tones. (I 1
The pedlar backed off the steps. 13
"Yet if I did," he assured her, with (J
an apologetic grin, '"I got my wish, dance, 44
yon- ?%
WAIT AND SEE. It
A man passing a saloon was suddenly 2
startled by a figure flying out of til, a
door and landing in a heap on the 'sides I
walk." < ,- , , t
"You have been thrown out, observes *-'"
the passer-by c " j
"Yes' said the victim, "but you wait "-j
There are four of them in there is an, ' 5
going to right now to throw them but as
one by one, stand by and "count" u "'2
The man re-entered the saloon, and at -5
once there was a commotion inside, caissons
again a man came flying out, lighting not I too
gently on the sidewalk. ~, ^
"Ones" cried the counter ;;->.
"Never mind courting," said a voice is,
from the sidewalk, it's me again." - as
. » . * i <?$
WHAT WITH.
Mrs. Murphy labored in the hot suds 3
over her wash tubs, while Mr. Murphy - ~
feat on the woodpile and gazed into space, p*
His inactivity finally became more than s(
Mrs. Murphy could bear-at least, HM'jg
silence. /.
Why don't you climb down ofFn that as
woodpile and help me with these 4s
clothes?" she enquired in no gentle tone. 44
Mr Murphy slowly shifted his (gaze ly
and directed it upon his laboring spouse, A
"Why. Mary Ann, can't you see -Tia %
busy '" he drawled ' Va
"Busy?" snapped Mrs. Murphy. "What 5
dom"'" , v
"Why. I'm thinkin', Mary Ann." ~,
"Thirteen'?" Mary Ann fairly shrieked Ù
"Thinking'?' she repeated. What with,- "
you old fool?" "
* is a * -<
A SHOW TOWN. C
A theatrical advance agent, forced to _
lay over at a small junction point, was In
talking with the landlord of the village, , a
inn. f "Do you ever have any showers.
here'" he asked. as. " > s
"Wal-I reckon we do!" said the land sailors
Some of the best shows, from a
New York play here." '*"
"Is this so" said the agent. What'll
was the last one that played this town's
"I don't rightly remember the name," * a
returned the hotel man "but my wife's y"
she knows. I'll call and ask her. if
Going to the foot of the stairs, has
called loudly -
"Marfhy-Marthv-look va. that back -*
room and tell me the names on them '
there trunks."
W C . » 1
DIDN'T CARE.
Speaking of dry weather the other day, a
someone asked an old American farmer. -'
out in an arid western states'
"How would you like to see it rains
Hiram' _ _
"Don't care anything about it myself,"'
he answered, "out I've got a boy 6 years A
old that would like to "-see it ram."
e f <
TOO BAD. ' A -
"What's the matter, little boy?"
"M maw's gone an' drowned all the kittens
" i ~]
' Dear, dear' Now that's too bad. "
"Yep. an' she promised--boo-hoo-^hat 1
I did do it"
is
$