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THE MODERN ULYSSES.
No sooner was the hatchment mounted
over the portico of Beechwood-hall, announcing that
its late proprietor, Sir John Denyers, was dead,
and that his widow had succeeded to the splendid
mansion and broad lands, than it was hailed, as the
signal for attack, by all the unmarried men within a
circumference of twenty miles. They flocked to her
by scores, arrayed in the mourning cloak of condo-
lence, endeavouring to smuggle in their love under
the disguise of sympathy. Her lawyer, a hale ba-
chelor of 60, requested she would do him the honour
to consider him less in the light of a professional
adviser than a friend zealous for her interests, and
would fain have presented her with a title to his ser-
vices in his shrivelled hand : but he had already
given her a surfeit of parchment ; and the man of
law discovered that, although his suit had frequently
been successful in those courts where the presiding
goddess is represented to be blind, it was quite
another thing to plead his cause before a woman with
her eyes open, in fact, ere she had worn the weeds
of widowhood for six weeks, her paths were beset,
and her dwelling besieged ; and never, certainly,
had woman a better chance of mending her luck, for
there was not one of the whole five-and-forty lovers
who was not willing to stake his life upon the since-
rity and disinterestedness of his affection. She
could not open a window in hor homo, but a myriad
of billets-doux came showering into it like a snow-
storm. She could not take a walk in ber most pri-
vato grounds, but a lover started from behind every
bush, and flung himsolf upon bis knees in the path
before hor. Others, again, affecting bucolics, would
wander forth into tho fiolds, crook in hand, and
carve hor nnmo upon every tree, to tho groat endan
gormont of her timbor. Evory domestic in her house-
hold was bribed by one or other of her suitors, and
she wa« under the consequent nocossity of changing
her establishment twice a-year, from the lady'i» maid
to the stable-boy.
Whilo, however, thoro oxiots not a rebel in tho
citadel of the heart, the fortress will hold out long
against oxtornal assaults ; and the widow had got
somo antediluvian notions into hor head about " first
love," " respect for the memory of the dead," &c.
which, although, no doubt, extrorooly silly, had the
effect of disinclining hor from a second speculation
in the hazardous adventure of matrimony. As the
number of her suitors increased, their individual
chances of success, of course, diminished, and their
audacity boing in the exact ratio of their despair,
her own mansion was no sanctuary against the intru-
sion of her uubidden guests. The matchless impu-
dence of ono of her visitors deserves particular re-
cord. Ithappenod one day the widow went out, for
several houis, to call on a friend at some distance,
leaving only two male domestics, the butler and a
footboy in the house. Towards evening, a horse-
man rode up to the hall door, and applied himself,
with more than ordinary energy to the knocker. He
wns a toll, military-looking personage, with a cast
of features that might have been termed handsome,
but for a cynical expression, whioh much detracted
from their pleasing effect. The strangerflunghis
rein to the boy, desiring him to take his horse to
the stable and havo it well littered down for the
night, and then stalked into the house, and, not-
withstanding reiterated announcements from the
servants in the chorus of " Mistress is not at horne,
sir," stopped not until he reached the dining-par
lour, when, turningto the butler, who hnd followed
him, he said, " Here, let that valisa be taken up
irito her ladyship's chamber, and let a fire be lit
there, for it's rather cool." " Very cool, indeed,"
said the domestio, applying the epithet to the spea-
ker, and not to the weather, and was meditating
some impertinent observation, when the stranger,
carelessly, as if it had been his handkerchief, drew
a pistol from encb pocket, and placed it on the tnble
before him. The butler who had a mortal dread of
fire-arms, quitted the apartment in baste, as if to do
the stranger's bidding, but, in reality, to commu-
nicate tb his fellow-domestics, the females, his sus-
picions of the character of tho guest. Tbeir con-
versation was, however, soon interrupted by the
violent ringing of the bell ; and it was some time
bofore Geoffry could summon courage to answer it.
" Your pleasure, sir 1" said he, re-entering the din
ing-parlour. " Some dinner !" responded the other.
The butler pnused, but at length said, " Very sorry,
sir, hut we have not got any thins in the house."
" Thou look in tbo poultry-yard," was the reply,
" and let me havo a broiled chicken in half an hour."
The other stared, but the stranger's eyes bnppening
to fall upon the pistols, Geoffry seemed to under-
stand the appeal, and, being anxious to go off first,
hurried out to counsel the sacrifice of a chicken to
their common safety.
In the course of the half hour the dish was smok-
ing before the guest, who, having no notion of
glasses being placed on the table for the mere pur-
pose of ornament, pronounced the monosyllable
" Wine." '* If you please, sir," said Geoffry,
" we can't get at any, for misstress has got the key
of the wine-cellar in her pocket." " Nonsense !"
exclaimed the other, " who ever heard of a wine
cellar with only one key 1-why, keys in a great
man's bouse are like pistols, there aro always two of
a pattern." The allusion had its eflfoct ; Geoffry
vanished in an instant, and shortly re-appeared as
Ganymede. In a few minutes afterwards the noise
of wheels announced the return of Lady Denyers,
who, on being informed of the stranger's arrival,
like a woman of spirit, went straight into the din-
ing-room to demand an explanation. On the next
instant the servants heard a loud scream from their
mistress, and, concluding that she was murdered,
they, very dutifully, ran out of the house, and set
off, at full speed, each in a different direction, for
the doctor. It seemed that no sooner had the lady
cast her eyes upon her visiter than she uttered a
piercing shriek, and sank upon the carpet. Now,
when a man faints away, the approved method of
treatment is to kick and cuff him till he recover ;
but with a woman the case is somewhat différent.
The stranger raised her in his arms, threw half a
glass of water in her face, and poured the remainder
down her throat, and, at last, succeeded in restoring
the patient.
" And is it really you, Sir John 1" exclaimed the
lady, when she became somewhat tranquil. " Ay,
in very deed, Caroline," was the reply; " ghosts
do not drink Madeira and devour chickens." "Then
you were not killed and eaten by those frightful
Ashante'-al" " You greatly wrong that very res
pectableand much-slandered people," said Sir John ;
" they hnve better tastes, and preferred my society
to my" flesh, insomuch that I had some difficulty in
escaping from their hospitalities'!" "I hope, my
dear," said the lady, " you were duly sensible of
their attentions ?" I was very nearly being in-
sensible to them and every thing else, for the worthy
gentleman who did mo the honour to engross my
society, seeing me determined on quitting him, fol-
lowed me as far as ho could, and then fired a parting
salute from his musket, into which ho had, inad-
vertently, put a bullet, and left me with half an
ounco of lead in mv shoulder." " O dear !" ex-
claimed the lady, " how very horrid ! and did you
walk all the way in that state ?" " I did not walk
two hundred yards, my love, for I fell into a bush,
exhausted from loss of blood, when I was picked up
by nn Ashantee damsel of sixty, whose charms
would have made your ladyship jealous, and who
extracted the ball, put a plaster of herbs to my
wound, and smugglled mo down to Cape Coast
Castle, where I found the report of my death so well
authenticated, that I waa challenged by an Hibernian
brother oflicer for presuming to doubt it." " And
were you so rash as to fight with him 1" No, for I
had not time, being anxious to embark for England,
to relieve your anxieties end to save my executors
as much "trouble as possible. But how is my
nephew 1" " O, in high health and spirits, and
inconceivably vain of the title." " I am very sorry
for that, because I bave not quite done with it."
At this moment a noise was heard in the passage,
occasioned by the return of the domestics, bringing
with them the posse comitatus nnd fourteon of the
lady's lovers, who, taking it for granted that the
ferocious ruffian would have escaped before their ar-
rival, valiantly rushed to her rescue. When, how-
ever, they heard the voice of the intruder in the
parlour, it became a point of precedence among them
which should enter first ; at length, a clown, in the
background, pressing forward to get a glimpse of
what was going on, inadvertently applied the stimi
lus of a pitchfork to the rear of the man before bim,
who communicating the impetus to the next, it
passed on to the van, and they all blundered into
the room, where, to tlieir utter astonishment, they
beheld the living Sir John tête-a-téte with his lady.
Doubtless you will conclude the baronet enacted
Ulysses on the occasion, and drove out his rivals at
point of sword. Credit me, reader, he did no such
thing : he was an old soldier, and a man of the
world, and knew better iban to make enemies of
fourteen blockheads ; so be ordered up a dozen of
claret, and they made a night of it.-Humour ist.
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