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MUCH ADO ABOUT
"NUFFIN'."
Of the many remarkable encounters be
tween counsel and -witness which have
been related from time to time, perhaps
that in which Mr. Justice Avory once
figured is one of the most amusing. A
man, says the author of "Anecdotes of
Bench and Bar," was put in the dock on
iry, Mr.
his trial for burglarj', Mr. Horace Avory,
as he then was, prosecuting for the Grown.
One of the first witnesses called to 'give
evidence against the prisoner was a sturdy
looking bricklayer. Mr. Avory started
his questions with the leading ones:—
"I believe your name is William Robin
son?"
"Yus."
"And you live at 14, Wembey Cottages,
Hornsey?"
"Yus."
"Bid you meet the prisoner on the night
of February 12 in Hornsey-lane?"
"Yus."
"W'hat did he say to you?"
Up. naturally, jumped counsel for the
prisoner, saying:—
"My lord. I object. Under section so-(
and-so, no conversation can be given in evi. :
dence unless it took place in the prisoner's ;
presence or in the presence oi another
witness, mv lord. It has been further ;
laid down/ &o., and eo on for a long j
time.
Mr. Avory then gave his reasons, at
great length why it was important this
particular question should be answered,
upon which Mr. Justice Darling said, as it
was an important point, he would adjourn
'the court for a few minutes and consult
his brother Channell, who was sitting in
the other court. Upon his return he
said:—"As I anticipated, my brother
Channell is of the same opinion as my
self, and in the special circumstances of
the case I shall allow the question to be
put."
Up rose Mr. Avory_ with the cock-sure
ness which at that time was one of his
mojt valuable assets, and, with an air" of
triumph, said:—
"How, William Robin«on. you say you
live at 14, Wembey Coinages, Hornsey?"
"Yus."
"And you met the prisoner ort the night
of February 12 in Hornsey-lane?"
"Yus."
Then, very slowly:—"What—did—be—
say to you?"
The staggering reply came back, much
to Mr. Avory's discomfiture—"Nuffin'."
AS HE HEARD IT SPOKE
' Teacher (to small boy)—"What is a vol
cano ?"
Small Boy—"A mountain overflowing
with lager."
TOO MUCH FOR HER.
Lady—"The servant who works for me
must be very economical."
Applicant—"My last mistrees discharged
me for that very reason."
Lady—"For being economical?"
Applicant—"Yes; with me clothes. 1
used to wear hers."
. ' SHE WAS EXPENSIVE.
"Do you know old man, that young
fellow saved me from absolute bankruptcy
last year?".
"How was that?"
"He married the girl I had been en
gaged to for months."
THE ANSWER SHE GOT.
"My wife," sand Mr. Clarke, "sent ten
shillings in answer to an advertisement of
a sure method of getting rid of superfluous
fat."
"And what did she get for the money?
Was the information what she wanted?"
asked Mr. Simmons.
. "Well, she got a reply telling her to sell
it to the stTap man."
SHADY.
Political Candidate—""Well, did you.
discover anything in Stump's past life
that we can use against him ?"
Detective—"Hot a thing. All he ever
did before he came here was to sell
awnings."
Political Boss—'"'Why, that's just what!
we want. We'll say that he has
been mixed up in some decidedly shady
transactions."
c*; •> & , *
TAME GAME.
Reporter—"Anybody injured in the
practice game to-day?"
Football Captain—"Ho, the boys took
it easy today. They are saving them
selves for the cup-tie to-morrow. Ro
binson got his nose broken, Smith lost
an ear, Robson got a few teeth knocked
out, Jacock dislocated his jaw and broke
a few fingers, but nobody got what
you could really call hurt."
* * *
NASTY THING.
They were newly wed and were
showing their friends over their tiny
apartments. Each room in turn was
inspected. Last on the list came the
kitchen. The little wife waxed elo
quent .
"You see," she said, "that is where
I do all my cooking. And this is the
very basin in which I mix my cakes."
"And this," cried the young man, in
dicating the oven with a sweep of his
arm, "is the brick-kiln!"
, ( WHAT IT WOULD BE.
"Oh,"tell me, dearest," whispered she,
"Without me, what would living be?"
And looking up with troubled eye,
"Cheaper," he^faintly made reply.
THE REASON.
Brown—"Stout people, they say, are
rarely guilty of meanness or crime."
Jones—"Well, you see., it's so difficult for
them to stoop to anything iow."
SPIRITS RISE.
Gabe—"Why do they say'that the ghost
walks on pay-day?"
Steve—-"Because that's the day our
spirits rise."
* « -j •
ROUGH.
Hubby—"You may not believe it, but
smoking is a remedy for my headaches,"
he apologised.
"Most pigs are cured that way," re
sponded his wife, without emotion.
ONE REDEEMING FEATURE.
"Cannibals have one redeeming feature,
after all."
"What is that?"
. "They are very fond of children."
* + -Jfr *
■ HOW TO TELL.
Tutter—"Awfully pretty baby of yours,
Bender, but—er—what is it, a boy or a
girl?"
Bender—"Can't you tell it's a girl?"
"No. How on earth do you tell?"
"Can't you see? She's reachiug up to
put her mother's hat on straight."
-X- H ?: #
BOTH TROUBLED.
"What's the matter, dear?" asked a
woman of her troubled looking husband.
"Oh, I'm worried about the money
market," he testily responded.
"And I'm bothered about the market
money," quietly remarked the woman, as
she counted the contents of her purse.
* * * *
NO SOUND.
"You never made a sound when your
father spanked you just now," said a boy
to his chum.
"No," was the reply. "Father says it
hurts him worse than it does me, and
if that's so he can do his own hollering."
FOUND TWO HOLES.
The thrifty German, proprietor of a cir
culating library charged for wear and tear
One volume came back to his scrutiny.
"See here," he exclaimed, "there is a
hole on page 19 of my beautiful book. And.
see here," he went on, turning over the
leaf, "there's another on page 20."
« * • «
WANTED NO AMATEURS.
Edith and Flora were spending their
summer vacations in the country.
"Do you know." said Edith, "that young
farmer tried to kiss me. He told me that
he had never kissed any girl before."
"What did you cell him?" asked Flora.
■ "Why," replied Edith, "I told him I
was no agricultural experiment station."
KNEW WHAT TO DO.
A trolly car 'had butted into a pedestrian,
who was knocked prone. Others who were
passing, thinking the accident might be
serious, rushed to the assistance of the
fallen man.
"Are you much hurt?" asked a well
intentioned individual who helped the vic
tim to his feet. "Shall I get a doctor for
you ?"
"Doctor nothing!" replied the other.
"Guess you don't know much about trolly
accidents. Get me a lawyer."
WHO'S WHO A2sT) WHY.
: "Who's that impressive-looking woman
over yonder?"
"That's Mrs. Peekum. Sbe's a remark
ably strong-minded woman, and they do
say that she commands a very large
salary."
"How does she earn it?"
"She doesn't earn it. Her husband earns
it, and so she commands it."
» * # »
ONE OBJECTION.
"What's doing?" asked the tall plumber.
"You're all dolied up.''
"Had a date with my best girl," ex
plained the short bricklayer.
"But aren't you going to keep it?"
"7 showed up all right, but she wasn't
there."
"That was pretty tough."
"7 wouldn't care," said the short brick
layer, "only I went and had my shoes
shined all for nothing."
■K- » # *
STARTING THE DISPUTE.
"I'm afraid I'll .disagree with you." re
marked Jouah as the vrnale swallowed him.
"Perhaps," replied the whale; "but it
won't be a circumstance to the way the
theologians will disagree when they come
to discuss this incident."
* A MODERN YERSTON*
Returning from an Eastern trip one day
recently, a local men was recounting his
experience for the edification, of other mem
bers of his household.
"While in Baltimore," he said, "I tried
to find some of father's relations, but I
was unable to locate them. Odd, too, be
cause ihey have an uncommon name."
"What is the name?" enquired Robert,
aged nine.
"Hack," replied the parent. "It's an old
German name."
"Ave they up-to-date people?" asked the
boy.
"Up-to-date? Of course they are, so far
as I know. Why do you ask that?"
"Oh." replied the youngster, with a grin,
"I thought they might have changed their
■ names to Taxicab."
none Help
Enterprising Snowman—"Now, then, ladies and gents, don't delay if yer wants to see the fat lady in 'er prime!
She's just bin jilted by the living skeleton, an' is takin' on so that she's iosin' weight every hour! To-morrow she
won't be worth seein'."
A DARK HINT.
"You know, there was something I
wanted to say to you,- but it has quite
gone ouit of my mind. I can't remember
What it was.'"
Maiden (hopefully)—'rTt wasn't good
night, was it?"
BUSINESS-LIKE.
"Do you really- love me?" she wrote.
"Referring to my last letter," 'he
promptly replied, "you will find jlthnt I
iove you devotedly on page one, madly on
page three, and passionately on pages four
and five."
HOPEFUL.
"Bobby," said Mr. Tadley to liis young
son angrily, "my father always whipped i
me when I behaved as badly as you are j
doing."
" "Well," answered Bobby thoughtfully,
'T hope I'll never have to tell my little 1
boy that."
BEFORE AND AFTER.
"Father, did mother accept you the first
time you piroposed to her?"
"Yes, my dear; but since then, any
proposal" 'that I have ever made she Iras :
scornfully rejected."
EVER WATCHFUL.
"Before she was married she was con
stantly on the lookout for a husband."
"Well?"
"And since he got one she is still
constantly on the lookout for him."
WHEN DOES HE SLEEP?
' Ella—"Before going to sleep I have the
habit of thinking over every unpleasant j
and spiteful thing that people have said j
to me during the day."
Bella—"That is an excellent thing for
you to do, hut how can. you get along
with so little sleep?"
NARROW ESCAPE.
Young Lady—"I suppose you have had
some narrow escapes, Lieutenant Dash-1
away?"
Lieutenant Dashaway—"Ya-a-s. Awfully
narrow- escape, once, by Jove."
Young Lady (breathlessly)—"In what |
way?"
Lieutenant Dashaway—"Yewy near or
dahed on active service, don't-eher-know. I
The war came to an end before we em-1
barked."
HE DID.
Pat—"I was at a party last night, when
a conjuror took four matches and a lemon,
and made them into a pig, and challenged
anyone to make more of the same mate
rial."
Mick—"Well, you cannot make more out ]
of the same material?"
Pat—"But I beat him."
Mike—"How?"
Pat—"I took four matches and a lemon.'
peeled the lemon, strewed the peel and the
matches all over the floor, and. made a
litter."
HE DIDN'T.
It was after a junior ieague match in
which the home side lost bv eight goals
to nil. The goalkeeper was naturally
blamed for the disaster, and, overhearing j
that things were being said about him,
went straight to the captain and en
quired:—
"Did you tell Bill that I was the worst I
goalkeeper in the village?"
"No, I didn't. I thought he knew',"
was the reply.
HOW IT HAPPENED.
Junior—"I hear Briggs got into a lot of
trouble with that girl he was going With." '
Soph—"Yes. How's that?".
Junior—"He married her."
LEFT HER ANSWER.
Damsel—"You must ask mamma."
Suitor—"But your mother is away from j
home."
Damsel—"Yes; but she's left an affinna-1
tive answer in the gramophone."
NOT USED TO IT.
"Will you give me something to drink?"
he asked faintly of the nurse.
"Certainly," said the nurse, offering him j
a glass of ivater.
He put up his hand feebly."
"Give it to me in a teaspoon, please,"
he whispered, huskily, "until I get used.
to it."
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