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JNTEJEDX/ES:
" Short, Sharp, Shiny."
none Help
"Drive on, Bill, didn't I tell yer I'd only
got room for one."
Warm. '
Cricket.
Cyclorama.
Anarchism.
Continentals.
Bravo, Darling.
A Radical cave.
Rioting at Yusgat.
Fire in .Melbourne.
Divorce'in Sydney.
Armenian outrages.
Five wickets for 290.
A horrible discovery.
Burglaries in Sydney.
Frauds on tradesmen.
Well done, Reeaman.
Mr. Gladstone resigns.
" The Squatter's Pardon."
Retrenchment in Victoria.
Reedman top-scorer yesterday.
Diphtheria at Laura dying out.
Typhoid fever at Happy Valley.
Scotch night at the Continentals.
Our boys are making a good score.
More Anarchists arrested in Paris.
The German navy mobilising reserves.
Last night of Garrick Club at Bijou Theatre.
A benefit to Mr. J. H. Lyon3 at the Bijou
to-night.
"Amateurs rush in where professionals fear
to tread."
Victorian oricketers entertained at to-night's
1 Continental."
The colts in the "intercolonial match are
giving a good account of themselves.
Last night of "The gho3t" at the Cyclo
rama. A new sensation, "The sentry," on
Monday.
Tides at the Semaphore.—To-day — Low
water, 11 a.m.; high water, 5.30 p.m. To
morrow—Low water, 11 a.m.; high water, 5
p.m.
Forecast for 24 hours ending 6 p.m. to-day
—Uontinued fine and moderately warm
weather, with light winds, ohiefiy from south
east to north-east.
The railway revenue from July 1, 1893, to
February 2S, 1S94, was £099,374 4s. 2d., an in
crease or £36,614 2s. Id. over last year's figures
for the same period.
SHARP THINGS SAID OF WOMEN.
Fortune and women are partial to iools.
He knows little who will tell his wife all he
knows.
Never ask a woman her age; ask it of some
other woman.
He who trusts women draws water with
pitchers full of holes. .
Women detest the serpent through a pro
fessional jealousy.
Women are afflicted by trifles; but they are
also consoled by trifle3.
It is said that friendship between women
is only a suspBusion of hostilities.
Ideas are . like beards—men never have any
until they grow up, and women none at all.
Women will sometimes confess their sins,
but I never knew one to confess her faults.
Woman is the mistress of the art of com
pletely embittering the life of the person on
whom she depends. ,
Some women have Hearts brittle as glass; he
that would engrave his name on them must
use diamonds.
If a beautiful woman speaks favorably of
the beauty of another woman wa may be sure
that she possesses more of the kind of beauty
she is praising.
Who has not seen how women bully women?
What torture have men to endure, comparc-d
to those daily repeated shafts of scorn and
cruelty with which poor women are riddled by
the tyrants of their sex ?
GtEANINGS OF HUMOR.
The astronomer's business, in spite of the
dull times, is looking up.
A little boy being asked if he was the oldest
in the family, replied, "No, mum—my granny
Old Wideawake—"I say, old man, lend
m6 will you ? And I'll be everlastingly in
debted to you."
Dying by inches is fast enough, but it's un
fortunate when football players die by the foot,
as it were.
Elsie—''Laura's health seems greatly im
proved." Ada—"Yes, she has heard that her
doctor is engaged."
She (earnestly)—"It must be awfully
dangerous to be a soldier." Young officer—
"It is indeed. The women are always after
you." ....
" I infer that Jaysmith is very familiar with
history." " How did yon acquire that in
ference ?" " I heard him speak of Charlemagne
as Charlie."
"Young Widow—"Yes. I lost my buBband
and rny spaniel the same day." Lady Friend
—" How unfortunate !" Young Widow—
"Yes! Suoh a nice dog."
Miss Softly (who has been attending a course
of lectures)—-"Oh, professor, I saw such a
funny old fossil in the museum to-day! I
thought of you at once."
Stranger (to gravedigger)—" Who's dead?"
Gravedigger—"Old Squire Grumbler." "What
complaint?" "No complaint; everybody is
satisfied."
Doing Paris in Two Days.—Bridegroom—
"Now, Aurelia, we must have a straight
division of labor. You look at the sights and
I'll keep my eye on the guidebook."
Artistic wife to bald husband—"Let me
paint a spider on your head, darling, so that
She flie3 don't come to trouble yon while you
are doing your little nap."
Young wife (worn out by attending crying
baby)—"Dear, dear! I do wish people had their
second childhood first; then they'd be old
enough to know better than to cry so."
Passeuger—"I say, driver, I really believe
there is somebody in the'bus playing on casta
nets." "Casternets! Them ain't no caster
nets ; them's the horses' ribs a rattlin'."'
Penelope—" Have yon seen Jack Dashing
lately?" Perdita—"About two. weeks ago."
Penelope-y" Well, when you see him again
remind him that we are engaged, will you,
dear?"
Irascible Old Gent, at the ferry (who is just
a second too late)—"Confound and d ."
Fair Stranger (who feels the same, but dares
not express it)—" Oh, thank you, so much !"
"I like yon very much, Charlie, bub I
couldn't marry yon. I don't think we could
live happily together." " But, my dear Maud,
reflect. After we were married I shouldn't
be at home very muoh."
There is nob in this world a pleasure so sweet
As to sit by the window and tilt up your feet,
With a choice Havana, whose flavor jusb suits,
And gaze at the world 'twixb the toes of your
boots.
"How many lodges did you say your hus
band belonged to?" she suddenly asked.
"Fifteen." "Mercy on me ! But think of a
man being out fifteen nights a week ! I am
really glad that I'm a widow."
Ned—"I hardly know how I'm situated as
regards this world's goods." Bob—"How's
that?" Ned—"When I look at my bank
account I think I'm poor, and when I look at
my wife's olothes I think I must be rich."
He—"Do you know, after hearing Tom
Jones preaob, Fve a mind to abandon the
study of law and become an evangelist."
She—"Why dcn'b you? That's the only
known profession where a bad past record
becomes a feather in one's cap."
Fond Mother^—"Doctor, what is the mean
ing of the peculiar formation just back of
baby's ear?" Doctor—"Combativeness, per
haps." F.M.—"Why, some one said it was
love of domestic life." D.—" Oh, well, it's all
one and the same thing."
Mr. Noopop—"My baby cries all night. I
don't know what to do with it." Mr. Knowitt
—"I'll tell you what I did. As soon as our
baby commenced to cry I_ used to turn on all
the gas. That fooled him. He thought it
was broad daylight and went to sleep."
In a children's school examination the fol
lowing answer was given:—Sir Walter
Raleigh was the man who invented tobacco,
and while sitting smoking one day he said—
" Cheer up, Master Ridley, we have this day
lit such a candle in England as no one shall
ever pub out."
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