Please wait. Contacting image service... loading

Article text

LORD DUNDREARY IN
VICTORIA.
HE BECOMES INTOXICATED —VISITS THE PUBLIC LIBRARY, AND
DELIVERS A LECTURE.
As will be very readily believed, Lord DUNDREAISY and his brother
did not drive, as the former proposed, to Adelaide, to call upon His
Excellency the Governor. With some little difficulty TIIAM persuaded
his lordship that Adelaide was not within twenty miles of Melbourne,
thoucrh he could not satisfactorily account for South Australia having
been placcd so-far from Victoria.
" You are thuch a queer lot here, TuAM, in geographical matters.
Victoria, I know, is in. the Thouth of Australia, and yet you thay,
TJIAM, that it is not in Thouth Austwalia, No doubt you Austwalians
understand or think that you -understand it; but, you
know, we Englishmen who know that Hampshire is in the Thouth of
England never attempt to deny it, but thay if we are asked where
Hampshire is, 'Oh, it's in the Thouth of England'—of courthe,
THAM, that's what we thay, but p'waps I ought not to cxpect people
out here to know as much as I and other Englishmen do—you thee
what I mean, THAM ?"
" Oil! yes, perfectly—we are a lot of duffers here, Gus."
" Yarth, Tham, you are, though I've not the thlightetht idea
wliat a duller is."
" It is derived from the Greek word—"
" Yarth, THAM, I don't deny that, but Gweek, you know, that is,
the Gweek letters are thuch cuwious ones, tho like ver-ver-vennicelli
thrown over the page of a book, THAM, yarth; and I have
always thought that people who could use thuch letters as the
Gweek ones could never be depended upon for knowing anything. I
—I don't know much Gweek mythelf, TIIAM, as I only wead a few
chapters of CAESAR, and I thought it no use going on with that becautlie
uow-a-day we make war tho diffewently to C-KSAR, and
JUPITER, aud ADONIS, EUTHEBIUS, THITHEWO and AGWJPPA, and all
those ignorant perthons—yarth."
This conversation took place at the Hyperion Hotel after dinner.
It is painful to relate that Lord DUKDREAKY, from frequent glasses of
sherry, moselle and claret, inwardly applied, was beginning to manifest
signs of the state denominated " truly rural."
" TIIAM, let us go and thee the Public Li-li-liberwawawawy."
" The Public Library, oh ! yes Gus, come along !"
"I wonder why they call the place where they keep books by
such a long word as li-libewawawawy—why don t they do as the
wooks do ? The wooks, THAM, call the place where they keep the
youn r ' wooks a wookewy ; why don't we therefore tbay bookewy ?
Australian idea, I thupp-pop-pothe, THAM—yartli—of courthe."
They proceed to the Library.
'' Devilish fine bookewy, TIIAM. "
" Hush, Gus—drop it. Take your hat off, and don't speak."
" Not thpeak ! confound it, I always thpeak hi the liberwawy at
home, THAM."
" Yes, but you will interrupt tlie readers,
" My Christian Austwalian fwiends," addressing the persons in the
Library, " those who don't want to hear me, go on weading, and
don't lithen to what I am thaying. My brother THAM is thowing me
your weading-woom, and he wishes me to thay that he mutlit talk, or
he can't explain evewything—yarth—you alUook thupid, I mutht
confeth, but I daresay you can underthand me.''
" Now, be quiet, Gus, or I shall go away."
"Well, go away, THAM, if you like. No doubt you will excuthe
my brother THAM, my friends, as he has to go to the thation, as the
howwid « l' m
twain going, is Gus, going I to can't thtart." stand this." (Exit SAM, hurriedly). t
" Excuse me, sir, but you are not allowed to speak above a
whisper in this room." '
" Oh ! indeed, my Christian friend, not allowed to talk aloud, eh >
—do you thee the pun?—yarth, I th'poseyou do. Well, I'll only
whithper, but my whifchpers can easily be heard, you know, byevewy
one in the woom. Is the Li-libwawian here.?"
" No, he is not, sir." , ,
" Well, he has asked me to deliver a lecture here, you know, tintii
evening. I am wewy good at lectures, though I never gave one m
my life. I thuppothe I had better begin ?"
" What name, sir?" ,. . . , ,, t
" You don't know me 1 Well, thir, I am tliowwy to find tha^ you
are " a Oh" bisger my fool lord, than indeed, you I look. beg your I am lordship's Lord DUNDREARY.' pardon.
" Tho you ought—yarth. Well, I had better begin, I thuppose.
" I have heard nothing from the Librarian my lord, relative to
this lecture, but I suppose it is all right."
" Yartli—we'll thuppose it is." .
" Ladies and gentlemen,—At the request of the Librarian, Loid
DUUDREAR* will deliver a lecture this evening, ou-on what subject
my lord ?"
" Oh ! a—on evewything aud the American War."
" On the American War."
" Yarth—My Christian Austwalian fwiends, aiid all members of
the Jewish denunciation—no, that's not itJewish denom-denominative—no,
denomination present or not present, I rise to deliver a
lecture on evewything that you don't underthtnnd. Now, the
American War is vewy appalling. Now, tho word appalling doesn't
come from the thing they cover a coffin with; nor PAUL BED-
FORD, who told me tlie latht time I thaw him that he was pwepawing
a twanslation of the Hebwew edition of HEWODOTUS for the
utlie of fools—yarth—yarth. Appalling, yon know, at leatht you
don't know, means ' howwible,' c dweadful,'—for instance, a Tailor is
an appalling man; that is to thay, a howwible cweaturc—that's
good gwammar, my Chwistian fwiends. Now, I feel that I am living
at the wong time—you don't know what I mean. I dare thay—of
courthe you don't. What do you know I thould like to know?
when it is dinner time I thuppothe, though thornc of you I thould
fantliy, never went to dinner, to judge by your hair, which hasn't
boon brushed thiiice morning, I should thay. Well, I ought to have
lived at the time of the battle of Mawathon, my friends. Mawathon
was fought between JIJUKTIIC-ESAI: and the GWEAT MOGUL. At leatht
it wathn't, but you don't know any better, and what would be the
utlie of telling yoh, bccauthe you don't know about TIIEMJTJITOCLES !
or COKNELIUTH NuroTH. No, of courthe not. Well, now, when the j
Gweeks or Womans—it doetlin't much matter which—were attacking j
TUEMITHTOCLEH ; do you know what I would have done if I had been j
alive then ? Why, 1 would have brought up two or tliwee Ann- '
stwong guns, and have blown the Gweeks and Persians all to bits. !
Yarth, of courtbe I would, wouldn't you V No, perhaps you wouldn't |
becauthe you. would have been too fwightened to have thought of
anything but running away and thooting one another, to pwevent
yourthelves being thtuck with a bayonet. From these wemarks you
will thee how appalling is the American war. It ought to be thtopped,
you know. Now, if H^NKIBAL or HECTOR had been here, they would
have bwought up their Woman tholdiers, with their thpears, and
catapults, and shields, and have conquered the North and Thouth in
about a fortnight. Tho yon thee, this bwings me back to my pwevious
athertion, that I am living at the wong time. 1 ought to have been
alive at the battle of Mawathon, and HECTOR and HAHKIBAL now.
Yarth, of courthe—that's the motht thimple idea. Well, now, my
Chwistian fwiends, it is time for me to go. TIIAM, you thee, has
gone, and I am getting hungry. I thuppothe you know THAM, he
is my brother, and is on the wailway, I believe. He owes me a good
deal of money, you know, which. I tliink he has forgotten, bccautho
he hasn't paid me yet. However, if he has nothing, I shan't ask liini
for it. Don't forget the word, 'appalling,' it is wather long, but
quite worth the twouble of pwonuntiation when you want to thpeak
of anything dweadful or howwid. Now, I have two ten-pound
notes in my hand which I shall give to that pertlion who tlipoke to
me here, who is, I thuppose, the deputy-thub-acting-under-libwawian,
to distribute amongst you, becauthe I thee thome of you are
vewy poor, and I always welieve the poor whenever I can."
" Hear, hear—three cheers for Lord DUNPREARY, hurrah !"
"My fwiends, excuthe my emotion j you are vewy welcome—
yarth—you are of courthe. Good night! Don't forget what I have
told you—good night. Yarth, appalling is the word! Now, go
home, if you have a home to go to, and keep your pecker up,
as the old hen said to the chickens when she was teaching them to
dwink."
$