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A COFFIN DEALER WHO WANTED A NOTICE.
'l'vjs tukeu yum- paper for twenty-six yours, ' lie com
I muneeci, OB he roached tho lieail of the stairs, 'andnou
I waat a puff.'
Ho was a very tall slender niau, liad a face which
hadn't smiled since 1S42, and his neck was embraced
by a white cravat, and his hands were tin list into
black gloves,
1 I've got a noir hoarse, a now stock of collins, mid
1 want a local notice,' he continued, as ho sit down
and sighed, as if ready to screw a collin lid down.
' My dear sir,' replied tile »inn in tile oiruor, ' i've
mot you nt a great many funerals,'and your general
bearing has created a favourable impression. You
sigh with tho signers, grieve with tho gi'overs, and
on extra occasions you can shed tcais of sorrow, even
though you know that you can't get tea per cont, of
your hilt under six mouths.'
.' Yes,' sighed thu undertaker, instinctively measur-
ing tho length of tho table with his eye, and wonder-
ing to hiiusolf why oJitors' tables weren't covered
with crape, with rows of collin nails around tho
odges.
' Death is very solemn,' continued tho mau in tho
corner, ' but still it is an occasion when ono eau ap-
preciate a neat thing. 1'vo seen yon rub yottrknuoklcs
against dcor posts and never chungo countenance j
I ve seen you listen to onlogics on mun who owed you
j for twonty years boforo their death, and you looked
oven moro solemn than the bereaved widow ; I've
I seen yon back your hearse up to a door in snvh nu
easy, ijuiet way that it robbed death of half its torrar*.
All this have I. seen mid appreciated, but 1 couldn't
. write a puff for you.'
? Why not ':' ho demanded.
' Vor many reasons. Now yon have a new hearse,
Could f go and say, ' Mr. Sackcloth, tho genial under-
taker, bas just recoived a line new hoarso, and wo
hope that our citizens will endeavour to bestow upon
! it thc patronage snub enterpiiso deserves. It rides
easy, is handsomely luiishcd, nnd thoso who try it
once will want no other. Could I say that ? ' '??
' No, not very well.'
'Of course 1 couldn't. Yon cnn unll a grocer or a
dry goods man a 'genial friend,' audit's all right, but
you aren't genial-you can't be. lt's your busiiio*s to
bo solemn. If yon could bo oven moro solemn than
you nie, it would bu monoy in your pocket.'
'That's so,' ho said, sighing heavily., ;
' If it was au omnibus, or a coal cart, or a wheel-
barrow, 1 could go on and writo a chapter on evory
soparnlo spoke ¡ but it isn't, you soo.'
Ho leaned back and sighed agnin.
' And as to your collins, they aro doubtless nico
collins, mid your prices aro probably reasonable, but
could I go on ami say,-' Mr. Sackcloth, tho under-
taker, has just recoived his now stylos in spring
collins, all sizes, and is now propnrod to soo ns ninny
of bis old oustomors ns want something hand-
some and durablo at a moderato price,' Could 1 say
that ?' Another sigh, |
'I couldn't any that you wore holding a clearing
out salu, in order to get ready for thu spring trade,
or thal, for the sake of increasing your pntronngo, you
lind decided to present each customer with a chromo.
1 couldn't say that you wcro repairing and repainting,
and had tho most attractive collin sho|> in Detroit, it
wouldn't do to hope that peoplo would patroniso you,
or to say Hint nil orders sent in by mail would bo
promptly lilied, mid that.your motto was "Quick
sales and small profits .'" '
Ito. put on tho look of a tombstone, and made no
roply,
' You seo, if you lind stoves to soil, or dealt in
mnakcrol, or sold dalling tncklc, everything would ho
lovely. You nm nu undertaker-solemn, scdnto,
mournful. You revol in crape, and you uovor pass a
blaak walnut door without thinking how much good
collin lumber was recklessly wastell, Tho tolling bell
is music to you, mid tho City Hall Hag at half-mast is
fat on your ribs. We'd Uko to oblige you, but you
BOO how it is.'
'Vos, I seo,'ho said, ns ho formed in procession
and moved downstairs, looking around now and then
to seo if tho hoarse was just thirty-four feet behind
tho nlllointing clergyman's carringa.
Two married men raiding in Wallington (says tho
l'orbes Times) havo lost thoir wives, or rather, tho
wives havo given their husbands tho slip mid run
away, It is surprising bow differently men view snub
1 blessings in disguise.' Ono man contents himself hy
simply advertising thal ho won't ho responsible for
any debts which Ilia truant spouse may contract dur-
ing lier nbscnpo from her husband's roof. Tho oilier
oilers a reward of .'Is lid tn iinyono bringing tho run-
away homo nguiu, it would bu huid to sny which
is tho most loving husband of thu two,
Ono of tho o iiididutcs for a medical examination,
on being asked to name Ibu dillcroiit suduril'o1, gavu
thoso in ordinary uso ; un buiug further pressed liv
mentioned suvcral tithers, and still buiug catechised
exclaimed: "Well, scud 'bini ? hero tn bu examined,
and if Dial docs, nut maleo him perspire hu had bolter
diu,"
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