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HUMOROUS READINGS.
« MELBOURNE PUNCH" ALMANACK, j
We ate bound to aay that the Melbourne
Punch Almanack for 1874 is cue of the beat
things of the kind ever produced in thete «o- j
lonies, and how it could_ be brought out for
sixpence is a wonder. It ii crammed with wit
and humor from the first page to the last;
many of its wood engravings are of s superior j
order, whilst printing in colors is also intro
duced. We will, however, waive general criti
cism, and quote a few of its funny things :—
A Dandy, whether miserable or happy, rings j
his hands !
The " Bus" Ookpaht—A party of lovers.
The Worst Month in the Yeab—The
Rogue's March.
Co?ions Accident.—A sea captain com
plains of losing tltven of his " hands."
IMPOBTANT AHNOnNCCUMT.—" Foot" note*
are not written with the toes.
The Artist's Fibst Wobe.—Directly he waa
born he " drew" breath.
Cleveb Workmen.—Those who make a gar
den "walk," am umbrella "stand," a watoh
" spring," and a dock " m down."
Shock to Modesto.—Sunday-sehool Teacher
—" How, Johnny Smith, what's modesty." J.
Smith—"Dunno." Smart Boy, from near
Flemingtou Racecourse —"I know Miss ;
Modesty, bay mare, by Tim Whiffler, oat of
Levity."
String* Thuto to do.—To me for damages.
We had rather be without them.
Sweets to the Sweet—Wife—"Did you
hear, John, that the Topnwyers had bad some
ineneyleft them?" Husbaui —"I wish, my
dear, some one had left yon some ■near, a* I
might then have a chance of getting some In my
tea."
KISSING THBOUGH A FEtt.
Of all the customs that prevail,
I think that kissing through the veil
Is one of just about the want—
And said so from the very first.
Why women want to squeeze and press
Bach other's Becks In fond caress,
And make it qniie a public show.
This aged party wants to know.
We never dreamt in my young days
of kissing in such varied ways ;
Bat thought it far more pleasant then,
To have it done by gentlemen.
Of course no lady could feel proud,
To have it done before a crowd;
But always found a proper plaes
And ttae to manage an embrace.
Sow quickly then their sweetheart! learnt,
They seemed reluctant, when they wera'nt,
Bat used at Christmas time to go
Quite calmly 'neath the mistletoe.
Now on all sides it seems the rale,
For girls to kiss through veils of tulle ;
Or through transparent Cluny laoa
To do the loving, taoe to face.
With lip to lip, and hand to glove,
As if they did it out of love ;
It being but a specimen
Of art to tantalise the men.
But {or my part I cant believe
In any better plans than Eve
Contrived; and all aooounts record
She was the first to love her lord.
PICKINGS FEOM LONDON "PONOB."
ITKM FBOM THX OOAL DOTBIOTB.
My Lady, to Fruiterer—" I'm afraia I must
give up the pine-apple, Mr. Green! fight
shillings n really too much!"
Successful Collier, who had also entered the
shop—" Just put *nn up for me, then, Master.
'Bre's 'arf a sovereign; and look Vie sut may
keep the change if yerll only tell us V>w to
cook'on V
.TCVENILI POLTTTOAL ■OOKOMT.
Madge-" What are you looking w sorry
about, Arthur f
A rthur—" Multiplication 1"
Hadee—"O, I know all about Multipli
cation!''
Arthur—"Do yon? What', twice ten, then?"
Madge—" O, twenty-one, of course f
Arthur—"No, if. not! It's oaly twenty!"
Madge—" Ah, but everything'* tic, you
know "
" in the unra kith."
Town gent (to country gent in his poultry
yard)—"Now, do you find keeping poultry
answers T
Country gent (lately retired)— "O, 'es, s^posed
to answer. T" see there'* the original cost of
the fowls—if course the food goes down to me,
y' know. Well, then, X purchase fha eggs bom
the children, and they eat them."
SSBDAT STOBJSH.
Aunt Ethel—"But when Us brethren next
saw Joseph, they found him in a position of
great authority and power."
Alice—" Was he a King, Aunt Ethel?"
Aunt Ethel—" No. But ha was vary high—
—nearly next to the King."
Alice (who is fond of cards)-" Was h« a
Knare, then!"
A STAOOMBBl!
Custom-House Officer—"Now, then, got any
thing contraband about ye ?"
Mate—" KSot 'bout botfl andhalf brandy; but
rUdefy ye to take it fro 1 me!"
SINGULAR FEAT OF STHEBOTfI.
The otter day a railway accident evoked this
bit of evidence :—
" Having put my great-eoat inside the car
riage, Igat upon the step to go inside myself."
We have heard people described ss being
"self-contained," and this epithet we fancy is
the right one to apply to a person who in able to
go inside
GEMS FBOM TEE JOURNALS.
We clip a curious advertisement from the
Birmingham Daily Post. We constantly hear
of the fastidiousness of our menials, but this is
a new cue. A housemaid declines to take care
of an ugly child. But as no mother can believe
that her child is ugly, the annomneament will
probably not prevent any person from writing
to the advertiser :—
" n«m««m«;a {experienced), at ones, willing
to take charge of a child, of nice appearance.
Good inferences. —Apply, ic, Hagley-read,
Stourbridge."
But the following is far more interesting. It
is from the Liverpool Mercury, and it Menu to
need no introduction, though the advertiser
needs one. We are glad to see that thi young
lady is pious :—
" A young widow (29), resident of Liverpool,
left with four pretty children, wishes to meet
with a partner for life. Has a houseful of fur
niture in good condition. Would prefer a
member of seme denomination. Is agreeable
and land. References exchanged. Address**,
North Wales.
"Four pretty children V Who should know
batter than their Mamma? What Is the lowest
denomination that would suit her? Will she
take & Jumper, or does she draw the line at
Baptists?
CHAUXNGE TO WZSTOH VOLTOTtK??.—Agan
tleman residing within four milea of Weaton
auper-Mare is open to shoot any member of the
Weston Volunteers.
The Weston Volunteers (unless they can get
a snap-shot before the gentleman is ready) bad
perhaps better keep beyond four mUei of
Westou-super-Mare.
An esteemed resident in Belfast has lately
departed this life. The Bdfast Evening Tele
graph makes the following announcement:—
•• V The length of Mr. * * * «■ funeral
has compelled us to omit our first leading
article."
One has heard of driving a coach and aix
horses through an Act of Parliament. Here is
a hearse driven through a newspaper.
Here is another frt??w fafa^mriamr ;—
"Commeecial Tbiajls." — A Baptist Dis
senter, living in a retired villa, in * * *. is
extensively engaged as a legal aeeountant in
economically extricating persons from Com
mercial Embarrasments without publicity, and
with protection from arrests. Respectable
persons, male or female, thus mtnatwri,
are temporarily afforded the comforts of a
socially religious home, and fl^nnflw*^ fionnfil
during retirement. Beferenoes to a afhii«fa>r
of the denomination required and given,—Ad.
dress, be.
Beally, we could almost wish to be "com
mercially tried," for tbe sake of wfaw^ tUs
socially religious home. But we observe that
such happinera is restricted to ifo denomination.
Only Baptists may be thus comforted,
We finally present an advertisement which
has evidently been wrong out of the writer by
a long series of tormenting shemeniaU. We
heartily compassionate him, and trust that he
may get the illiterate person he wants:—
Wanted, a good general servant, who can
neither read nor write, nor be able to do
fatting, crochet, or embroidery. A good
character is inHiap^nsaHn. and *^ must be
able to cook fish, meat, and vegetables fit to
be eaten. Any housekeeper who is parting
with such a treasure, or who know* ef such a
one out of place, wUI confer a favor on toe
advertiser by addressing, fee
A Stern Duty—The rudder's.
Best Size for a Man—Exercise.
What didtfo die of?—lodide of potassium. .
A dogma—As opinion laid down with a
snarl.
Intellectual farming—Harrowing a man's
feelings.
Moving for a new trial—Courting a ascend
wife.
A young husband handed his wife a dozen
buttons, and asked her to put a shirt to them.
An iHPoaai?ia Maxkeuvbe or Abtbmh.—Tj
be in the March past.
A boy with a big watch said time hnng heavy
on his hands.
Matchless Misery —Having a cigar and nothing
to light it with,
Whan is a literary work Ukeamoke?—When
it come* in volumes.
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