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A VICTIM OJT TIER alAIWK 1.1W.
(Written for Porler't Spirit of the Times).
Tboio livod, a few years ago, in tho Email hut livelv
town of I ? . in tho State of Ohio, threo specimens of
tho ' genus Ionia.' Thoy wcro well known by tho
nnmes of Jim II ? , Horvoy h ? , and J o B ? .
Jim H ? poMOBBod a quiet, Hiniliiur, generous counto
nnnco, nnd was ovor roady to amu n yarn or crock a
joko. Ronoath his good-hnuiourou Binilo thoro liirkod a
spirit of doviltry which had shown fruitfulncss from his
very cradle, as tho sceno of hia childhood could abun
dantly testify. If orvoy t ? and Joo B ? woro also
nossoBSod of rollicking, dashinz spirits, and oonseriiiontlv
tho ' throo' formed a worthy triuinvirato. But to my
story, for that will dovolopo their molal fully.
Jim H ? and myaolf wero seated around n snug
firo ono cold evening in tho wiutor of '56. Neither haa
spoken for Bomo timo. Whon I glaucod toward-t Jim,
nnd saw, as ho peered into tho grato of huniinx coals,
that a wondrous pleasant nuiilo was wreathing hia fino
countenance — 'twas enough ; I know what causo:l that ;
some-thing gnod without doubt. 'I say Jim,' I ex
clainiod, ''you're thinking of aomo of your old scrapos,
aren't you 1 '
'Eh! ahl oh! yes; what did you Bay, Qjorgo 7'
' I said you woro probably dreaming over somo of
your old advonturoa.'1
'You'ro right. Mayha it would ploaeo you to hoar
what I was thinking of ?'
'Ay, for it will surolylappear in tho Spirit.'
. ' So 1 thon I'll lot you have it. Stay, lot's light freah
weeds. Good, now listen.'
' Two old fricuds of mino, Horvoy Ti ? , .Toe B — -,
and myeolf, nere travelling on a certain r.iilroal a fow
yoara ago, in Ohio. Well, wo threo woro hardly ovor
together but wo Btartod fun in soino shnpo. On thi-
occasion, howover, it seomed as if our old prcsligo had
i;ono, and we woro doomed to disappointment. Indeed,
by common omiont wo settlod down into a profound
study an to the groat cmse of our apparent quieseuueo.
Horvoy quiotly iminuatod, howevor, that it would not
do for tho roport to get abroad that wo had mot a'd not
'oloctod' souioone. This w.is too true 1 Joo preserved
a dogged ailonee.
'Wo, however, wore happily disappointoi!, na tho
noxt station heralded into our preuoiico tho 'aubjoo.f.'
Vfa wero on tho lonoliojt part of the road. pa««ing as,it
did, on the mcro confines of civilization. Whilo waiting
anxioualy far tho train to procood, the door oponod, and
iu atalkod the prottiost specimen of a ' human' our eyes
.over beheld. Ho would measure easily six feet and a
half. His hair waan perfect bruBb. heap. Ilwfacua
comploto mirt of bumps and ridges, and cvidontly
had'nt felt tho touch uf water iu a month. I Us Ion;;
arms scorned liko usoloas appendages ns thoy swung
against his gaunt body. Hi» clothes woro compoied of
?'Wl tho kind' of fubrica over wovon, aud might havo vied
with ' David's coat of many oolours.' Indeed, his tout
tn.iemb!e complotoly convinced us ho had novor Bom A
Very cront doal of civilized country.
'Well, in duo course of timo he obtainod a seat, nnd
»a l«ok vronlA havo it, immediately in front of us
Hcrvoy and mysolf wo/o togethor, whilst Joo wan quiotly
oscomoi by the Bido of an old lady behind ub» Thom.0
nient ho entored wo wero on tbo qiii five. I watched
him narrowly from tho moment he had taken hia seat,
ami wliilo in the poriorraanco of my ocular duties, no-,
tioed that ho wou'.i1. ocoanionally lean forward, raise Mb
arm, »nd a clear, gurgling followed Ihe motion, Voup
ing cautional^ »roand the side, of his Boat, I obsoryed
obottlsi ' ?' .'.
' Maino Uw just ai this time w«s agitating the wholo
oommuuity, and suddenly bothinking myself, my plans
woro formed in an inBtant. Whispormg to Horroy and
Joo tho result of my investigations, I bid thorn a-aiimo
tho clwractor of judges, and 1 would d - tho same. Her
voy assumed tho appellation of Judge Jones ; Joo, of
Judge Smith ; and mysolf, that of Judgo Waters.
'After being ncquaintod with tho charoctora wo had
to assume, I turned my attention to tho object of our
anticipated sport, and hoard again that gurgling issiio
from his throat. I did not contcmplato him lolig, but
slapping him on tho shoulder :
''Nono of thai, Bir,' I oxolaimod ; ' hand over that
botllet My two companions and myself aro judges,
duly eloctod by tho peoplo of this state to administor
the law. Wo, howover, do not wish to intiraato that
you are guilty of infringingon tho 'Maino Law,' which
reads : ' No spirituous liquors of any kind whatsoovor
shall bo nsod in this stato, except as a roodiciuo.' \\o
io not, I eay, dosiro to judgo you wrongfully, until wo
havo invcatiijatod tho contents of your bottle. Thero
foro you will ploaso hand evor that bottle.'
' ' Tho romarka of Judgo AVatcra aro pcrfeotly in keep
ing with tho law,' chimed in Horvoy and Joo.
' By thia timo tho;attontion of tho nnssongirs wjb di
rected towarda us, and all woro on tho qui vive for tho
denouement.
' Mcautiino, 'our subjoct,' floating in a sphero of as
toniahmout and foar, had mechanically handed mo tho
bottle, nud receiving it with an airbocoming tho august
porsonago I represented, I hold it up to tho light, ro
marking nt tho aauio timo : ' It looks liko whisky ;'
thou placing it at a rospeotablo distance from my nasal
organ, with aober eountonanco assurod my assooiato
judges ? it smollod liko whisky.' I hero suggested to
my friend that, in order to convict him, it would roqmro
moro po-itivo evidenco of tho c.iutents of tho bottlo than
hnd tims far been adduced. Therefore, falling back on
my privilego aa a judge, would proceed to tnsto tho ar
ticlo. In answer to this, I only met the bowildcrcd and
astonished gazo of my friond. I appiiod tho bottlo to
my 'lips, and took a ' rog'lnr old pull.1 Oh, delicious
draught! it was 'genuine Bourbon:' but how under
tho heavens ho had secured auoh primo whisky was a
myatory to mo.
' I pronouncod that to bo pure 'Bourbon whiBky.'
Horvey and Joo woro aching to got hold of tho bottlo ;
for thoy know by tho sparklo of my oyo that thorp
was something romnrkablo thoro: I handed it over,
asking tho opinion of Jndgo Jouos as to what tho article
might be.
''It would have emphatically dono your heart nnd
Boul good to havo Been Hcrvey tako tho bottlo.
Placing it as I did, botween him and tho light, he re
marked :
' 'My friend and nssociato judgo has pronouncod this
L'ourbon whisky; nnd, should it prove to bo such, your
soutenco must bo » sovoro ono. I, howovor, cannot
agroo with Judge Waters until I havo examined tho
qualities of tho liquor, and as my opinion will ro far
towards convicting you, it ia nccemary that it should
bo based on a Bound investigation ol tho article ; thero
foro I shall examine it thoroughly.'
' Our friond waa alill immovablo, fairly struck dumb
at tho strange procoodiug ! Horvoy, after ti.kiiig all ho
wanted, continued thus :
' ' I find, upon investigation, that this ia whisky, and
consequently, must agreo with iny nsiociato judga ;
but that you may havo a jiiBt aud impartial trial, I will
pass tho bottlo to my learned companion, Judgo Smith,
and if his ideas concur with ours, wo must pronounco
you ooii,tt!'
' Accordingly, Joo waa passed the bottlo. As sion
as ho received it, ho took a ' pull' that actually drained
it. Having withdrawn tho bottle from his lips, ho
said—
' ' My dear friond I Tho two honourable judges that
havo preceded me, havo passod thoir opinions on tho
contents of tho bottlo which I hold in my hand ; their
opinions aro unanimous, and this ia pronounced 'ardent
spirits.' I experience much regret, whan I say, that it
ia my honest conviction, my learned associates aro cor
rect in thoir oonclusion. It only remains for me to pro
nounco you nuil/iy ! My two loarned associates will,
of courso, concur with me in pissing this sontonco upon
you, and tho company present will bear witnoES to tho
impartialitv of your trial.'
' When Joo finished Bpeaking, ho handed tho bottlo
back to tho 'victim,' who took it with tho tamo
mechanism that ho had handed it to us. As ho received
it with mouth agape, aud oyes as largo aa aaucora, ono
simultaneous roar of laughtor rolled through the car.'
' Woll, Jim, what did your friend do?'' I asked.
'Oh.hofiratg'anoed at us, then over tho company,
and finally nt his ompty bottlo. Than, fixing his cazo on
ub, ho fairly yelled — ' Lightnin]! Darn jour pictora I
whoop ! whar'a my whiBky, I B-a-a-y V
' Hid you givo him hia whisky, Jim?'
'Ha! ha! ha! givo his whisky? Wo had nrrivod
at tho nextstation by this timo, aud, assuring our friend
wo would mako it all right, we wont o«f, aud— Me cars
tcent on 1'
'Tlio romotnbranco of thU ia what caused mo to
smilo a Bhort timo a?o. And now if you fool disposed
to let tho 'Spirit 'havo it, toll tho 'tall son of York,'
on tun honour of Jim Harrison, it's aa truo as goipel !'
And I havo dono ao.
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