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Brother Gardner on Marriage.
Bruddei Amibad Cantilever, it am reported dat
you am about to take unto yeiaelf a wife Dat do
íepoit am true youi recent ackahuns am proof
You has bin seen pncm' second hand stoves, squmtm'
at fo' dollai bedroom sweets, an' rusthn' aroun'
arter brick a biaek Mairiage am nuffin' you need
be ashamed of, an' Iieckon you kin depend on dis
club to warm up de house fer you an' leave behind
some hard bottomed cheers an' a few articles of
tinware
Brudder Cantilever, marriage am a lottery or a
dead suie thing-jibt as you make it If you git
stuck on sight-fall in luv wid a gal fur her small
feet, taperin' waist, dimpled chin 01 warblm' niouf,
an' marry her off-hand at about twelve weeks notis,
you needn't be astonished if dar am a dynamite
sploshun afoie you hev bin hitched a week Small
feet an' a good temper doan' allus go togethei
Slim waists an' kitchen economy may not
work in de same harness De gal who charms you
by de way she drums de piannei may flatly refuse,
as a wife, to run dem same fingers obei de wash
bo'd Tirstly, doan' git niauied until you know
what you aie bein jined to Study de gal Let de
feet go an' watch her temper Let the bangs go
an'watch her economy Neberyou mind about de
way she dimples hei chin, but ax yerself if she'll
make de bed wid de foot lowei dan de head You
has got to do all de studym'. Not one gal out of a
thousand eber stops to size up a luvei If his
Grecian nose or emly ha'r or droophn' mustache
strikes her fancy she'll nebber stop to study his
natiu' nor to worry obei his habits She IB marry
in' dat nose, or head or mustache A month after
mairiage when he hauls her aroun' by de hair an'
slaps her dimpled jaw she's perfectly astonished to
f-lnnk she made sich a mistake
Sceondly, Brudder Cantilever, arter de knot has
bin tied make up yer mind dat de fucher won't be
all plain sailin.' You are gwin to be tried an'
tested an' trubbled, an' you hev got to call up all
yer manhood. You will h'ar de sesser scrapin' de
bottom of de flour bar'l when you heven't got a cent
in yer pocket. De woodpile will run out in Jinuary,
an' de sugar an' bacon will seem to be car'ied off
by bo rats. If yer wife am ober so good-natured
she will hav her trials an' tribulaBhuns, an' dar may
bo times when she'll riz up an' claw fur you. In
de y'ars gone by my ole woman has rushed upon
me wid de rollin'-pin, and I has retorted in a way to
make her ears ache, but all do time I knowed she
was savin' an' good-hearted, an she knowed
I'd empty my pockets of de las' shillin'
to buy her a new set of false frizzes.
If you am suited to each odder an aceashunal row
in de famTy will prove a stickin'-plaster, to hold I
you de clusser together. If you ain't suited-if
you diskiver dat you hev struck a patch of Canada
' thistles an' can't sot still, an' if de odder party
diskivere dat she has taken a tumble off de monu- j
ment of Romance an' brought up wid a thud is. de '
mud-hole of Reality, you pst absquatulate apart
Go quietly an' decently an' git onhitched by divoi ce
an' let de wisdom gained by experience stan' atyor
right hand when ve make anoder choice Biuddei
Cantilev er, my feelins an' de feelins of dib club am
wid yo, an' our good wishes, togethei wid at least
2 dollars wurthof tinwato, kin bo counted on when-
ever de fatal occaahun ni roves
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