Scenes at the War Boards.
What Ho! she buuips. 'lJre comes Lord, &c., Roberson on his bike with the war noose. Look out, there. Scotty, Frenchy and O'Hooligan are harguing the point right on the footpath. Shift, quick!" Ting-a-ling-a-ling. Bang! Whopo! Ker Bmash! " There ye are, now, I told yer ter shift. Gorstruth, all the paste has splashed over Prenchy's whiskers, and if yer don't 'ave a wash quick and lively, you'll 'ave ter comb yer goatep out with a pick and shovel, so yer will." " Ha! Ha! Ha! wot's up with you, O'Hooligan ? Did the bike hit yer, or have yer been combin' yer hair with a circular saw, or wot ?" O'Hooligan; " Hould yer tongue, ye inquisitive hathen : it's nather, but the pedal of the blasted boike has tore half the lug ave ine, so it has. To the devil wid the war news, I say, and 'oive a good nioind to batter the sowl case out ave that dam frogeatin* black guard ave a Frinchtnan himself and his maps on the footpath. He was makin' as much noise as a fowlhouse about Lady smith and Bullion and Roberts and the whole lot ave 'em, when the boike came between the two ave us. The paste pot hit him on the head and spilt all over him, and the pedal tore the ear ave me, so it did, and now I have a face loike a broken wathermillon. O'ive a good moind te dip yer head in the sand, ye hathen deciple of Voltare's, so ye are, and thin what a purty sight ye would make-galong out ave that ye half-bred saveloy! Frenchy is at a white heat with passion, and blows off something like this, only more so: " Sac re blue, ze paste stick to ze whiskars; mon diew, ze Irish laugh; half ze bag of pota toes and half ze pig; par blue, I vill kick ze St. Patrick's Day in ze back of ze stomeek; I vill scratch ze ball of ze eye brow, ugh! you are not ze von gentlehome; I vill brake ze jaw vith ze foot of ze boot, ngh, sacre! I hate ze, bah." William has a say: " Ere, Frenchy, you'd better chuck it. There's a policeman acomin', and you'll be 'ad hup fer usin' unseen language, or yer might get snapped for mistaken hi dentity, unless yer lets O'Hooligan scrape the paste hoff yer whiskers with a piece of hoop iron. You blokes is always arowin', and yer misBed the war noose, but if you'll be quite I'll let yer 'ave it." "Order!" " Cronje surrounded; French completes the circle; Boers in a certain death trap." " Hip hip hurray 1 hip hip hurray 1 hip hip
hurray !" Ah Boo happened to be passing with a cartload of alleged vegetables at the time. His horse took fright at the cheer ing and shouting, and commenced a series
of circus tricks. Ah Boo held on to the
little old rope reins, and remonstrated in the best English he could command. " Whoa ! way ! look ou' ! muckaliighlo Englisheeman to muchec hullay hullay alegetter wha fo', my cli no blully goo', damibinghichow." The little rope reins broke, and, with one dull thud, Ah Boo fell flop back into a gin case full o£ toma toes in the back of the cart. The horse started kicking (he front of the cart, which didn't improve the owner's position amongst the tomatoes one bit. As for Ah Boo, he was simply choking wit h temper. He spoke no words; he had no words to speak. The man in the street helped him to fix matters, and in due time he arrives at the war board, and wants to know if "ole Klugger him no die yet; my cli British soon makem Boer altogetter die now ; muckahighlow, good day!" and mut- tering a few unadulterated Colonial adjec- tives, he moves away with a tomatoe
colored bosom to his trousers. What a sight they present:—Bill Adams with a Jacky Howe singlet on (it's something like a lady's evening dress jacket); Frenchy with dry paste in his hair looks like a porcupine; O'Hooligan with his head tied up with an old green handkerchief; Ah Boo with the aforesaid unmentionables, the front of his shirt wide open; and here the reader has a picture of some of the indi- viduals who suffer from the tired feeliug excessively, and will tell you without pro- vocation what Lord Roberts ought to have done, and what ought to be done for the
next six months.
Ting-a-ling-a-ling. " 'Ere 'e comes with r.d and blue war noose this time; my hoath, this oughter be good; stand back !" Ting-a-ling, splish splash with the paste, and off ho goes. " 'lire, what the-why the-gorstrutb, what are you shovin' about; 'ere, get lioff me foot, can't yer; 'ere, and you with the karkee whiskers, shift your commissariat apparatus out of the way ; that's better. Cronje applies for au armistice." '. llip hip hurray, hip hip hur-blank.v-ray." " Kitchener replies ' not a minute; fight or surrender uncondition ally.' " " Hip hip hurray !" Bill Adams commenced, " Now hain't that joy, and wot do yer think of it ? Did you see what old Cronje did, when Kitchener wasn't taliiu' any ? '15 went straight into the bed of a river 2-lGft. deep and 400ft narrow, then crawls into a tunnel 200yds. deep, and sends word hout ter Kitchener as 'ow 'e would fight till 'e died, gor' blime we, but the next day he would 'ave chucked it only the young Transvaaleis wouldn't let 'im. Later 'e led these hobstinate young men inter Bobs camp, and basked for mercy. My hoath, that's wot I calls generalship; 'e's a born leader of men, so 'e is. Did yer see in the Times where Cronje capitulated on Majuber Hill r" Freuchy corrects Bill by saying " Sacre blue, he did not capitu lation on ze Majuba llill, but on zo anni versary of Majuba Hill." Bill (indig nantly): " Well, it's all the same, so long as it was ou some part of the hill, hain't it 'i My hoath, what sort of a commissaret must ole' Cronje 'ave with him. Did yer see where Lord Roberts went up in a balloon, and saw some Boer waggons full of laager and shampane ? What does 'e do
wen 'e come down but liorder the Canadmus ter henfilade 'em. They does, and kills two million bottles and four thousand casks of it. My hoath, wot do yer think of that Scotty, aye Y" Scotty: " I'm fer thinkiu' it's awfu' waste o' gud property. Mane ye, it wud pay much better uf hit wos floated until a lunuted liability com pany, and have the ' Kialto' or head oflioc doon in Melbourne wi' Shylock M'Donald as chairman o' directors, so hut wud. Look, see here, I'm intereested in the war, mane ye, deeply intereested, so I am, fer I wos nearly recklessly spendin' a penny on a Record over it, but after carefu' considera tion I thocht I'd better dwell in my neces sity, so I wud." Bill Adams resumes; " Did yer see in the Time* whero the Boers 1 'ave been U6in' soft-nosed bullets dipped in
chemicals. Now, if some of you blokes wot come hanging round the boards with noses on yer like beetroot was to soak 'em in Muttaburra rum, and go and blow 'em amongst the pro-Boers, it would be worse than green liddite, aud yer could 'oar the report at Gobblers Hoof, so yer could. I was a-readin' in the Worker where the Russian hofficer, Krapotinosky, said as 'ow 'e could take the Uafgan frontier, now Britain's hands was tied hup. My hoath, 'e is a brave general. Wot a military genius 'o 'as fer keepin' hup the traditions of the Russian Harmy. But the 'Zar reconed as '"ow 'e wouldn't avail hisself of Britain's present heinbarrassment. Go on, wouldn't yer't Try one yerself. He was n-thinkin' wot 'is own hembarrassments would be hif 'e let Krapotenosky tackle five or six hundred thousand British-Hin dian soldiers, so 'e was. This is like the time 'e askeJ for the peace conference, and at the same time ordered six new battle ships. This would be like a bloke comin' hup to yer with a Mauser rifle in each hand, a couple of Maxims in his belt, four sword bayonets in his mouth and his pockets full of liddite, and askin' yer to come an 'ave a plate of hoysters with 'im,
so it would.
Ting-a-ling-a-ling. What ho ! Look out! 'Ere 'e is. Flip flap, splash, and off he goes. The Relief of Ladysmith. Hip hip hurray. One for General Sir Redvers Tugela Buller. One for the Champion. " Comeanaveadrink ! Comeanaveadrink ! Wot's yours ? Mine's a British beer. Wot are you 'aving, 'Arryi1" "Oh, mine's a glass of steak and onions." 'Ere's to the flag. 'Ere'fi to 'em," and around the war board again. Bill tells O'Hooligan to wipe his chin. O'Hooligan : " Woipe yer own, ye limb of the devil. I have me grudge agin' ye, so I have. Oi'll never forget the time, it wag in 18G9, whin the English Boilers came over to Oireland and bayoneted all the childer." Bill: '"Ere, chuck it. 1 think yer spinnin' 'em up a bit, but if they did, it was only 'istory repeatin' itself, 'cause in the time of Christ Herod went around bayneting all the kids 'e jomed across." O'Hooligan: "Shure, Ohroist was nirer in Oireland, so he wasn't." Bill: " I know 'e wasn't. Now, as I've got the flute, would ver like to 'ear about a fight I 'ad with a Salvation Amy hoffioer once down at Olere mont. Me ana 'im had a religiouB harguo ment; one word brought on another and we were agoin' ter get to it there and then, but the perlioe stopped us and we deoided ter 'ave it ont in the mornin* at 6 a.m. We both turned up orlright; I takes horf me
flauuen ; ihc Salvo and his pals got down on their kneeH and commenced ter pray like thin-" O Lord 'elp mo to smite this bitiuer to ill" 'curt ; do Lord, mid Gawd 'elp me to strikett 'ira heavily' yea i von slew 'ira as thou didewt David, O Lord I am the stone ?which the builders rejected ; do maketh mo the founduticu of the corner, do Lord. Ameu." Now, I felt a bit scared after 'earinj* thin lot about stoues and wnitteth and slow in' a bloke, Anyhow, I rolled into 'im ; but, Lor blow me, 'oiv could 'e 'it "r 'E 'it us quick us li-rhtenin\ aud lightenm' never 'its in the s»mc place twice, cause when it comes round to 'it the second time the name plan; haint there. Anyhow, I chucked it up. but I says to 'im, I says, I can fight yer oil y* r own. Dicken (o fightin' t,\vo of jer. lint when yer fret* the L rd to give yer a ' at. slewoth a bloke I haint tukiu' linne. Wn-n't Iright. HarryHarry: "Yes; wot i* it. my oalh yer are, Bill."'
The relief of L-idysmith is perhaps tIn most important event ' in the present war Viilaume, the preat French military strate gist who superintended the erection of 11n Boer entrenchments, said when these were completed, that the efforts on the part of any troops, no matter how brttve they may be, or how brave they may intend to be,, would result iu their complete annihilation". The
British soldiers have crossed them without annihilation, which proves that the victory is not only over tho Boer tinny, but one over France's military genius included. Great Britain may not he fighting the combined armies of Europe, but she is undoubtedly fighting aud couqneriug tho combined mili tnrv intellects of France, Germany, Austria, and Russia, and her ultimate triumph must mount her prriilige iulinitely higher than it ever was in the past. Tin^r-a-ling-a-ling.