VERSE — AND WORSE.
"To cheat thee of a sigh,
Or charm thee to a tear."
Reported that John Forrest, among those who favor not the transcontinental line, is
now known as the Minister of Offence.
In High-street, Fremantle: ''Kerbstone
Politician, discussing the Transvaal War : "I see the English House of Commons' Opposition is yelling for peace." Second Ditto : "Yes ; and in Westralia, Piesse is yelling for the Opposition." !
At a recent civic reception to Sir Arthur Lawley. Municipal magnate to his youth- ful son: "The new Governor seems very affable. Nothing of the Russian autocrat about him." Young hopeful: "You're right, dad ; he seems sweet enough to be a
'TURKEY LAWLEY.' " ! !
A retired goldfielder, now living in a pretty villa on the banks of the Swan, is noted for his whole-souled hospitality to goldfield friends who call upon him. A friend from Kalgoorlie, who recently put in a week with him, tells a legend thereon. Among the numerous and varied amuse- ments provided for his guest's entertain- ment, which include fishing, boating, bil- liards, &c., is a complete parlor gymnasium, which principally consists of weights under the floor, which are vigorously hauled up and down by those desirous of exercising and developing their muscles and breathing organism. One day during the Kalgoorlie man's stay, a couple more old friends arrived and took up their quarters with the affluent weight-chaser aforementioned. Next morning, after a refreshing swim, they indulged in half an hour's stiff practice with the gymnasium in question. While they were thus engaged, the Kalgoorlie man, who was enjoying the prospect from the veran- dah, noticed that although not a breath of wind was stirring, the windmill garden pump was clicking and clacking at a furious rate. The cute host had conceived and carried into execution the brilliant idea of
connecting the gymnasium with the pump, and so using his guests' superfluous energy for the drawing of water for domestic and irrigation purposes.
THOU SHALT NOT BET.
It has swooped upon us swiftly like a burg-
lar in the dark,
It has paralysed the Ikey Mo brigade,
And the prospects of the bookie and his
Are a trifle less than nothing in the shade. "Thou shalt not punt or pencil," so the
boss Attorney states,
And declares against the sweeps in warn-
Neither shall the chance of divvies lure you
near Gehenna's gate,
Per medium of demoralising totes.
No more shall "Midget" Westbrook on to
Phillips pass the wink
That "Johnny Armstrong's" slackening
No more shall "Sonny" Herman in his neck
contract a kink
When a gee he "hasn't written" wins the
No more will beefy Bolger's voice his prices
To the punters who are arguing the odds ;
No more will "Maori" Edwards to entice
the boodle graft
And pass the "office" round by winks and
Though betting's stopped a few there are
who'll always score a feed —
Ike Abrahams knows the points about a
While "Ilex" and his "After Dark" know
every strain and breed
Of the champion birds in every poultry
Con Hurley has a stocking long, and Charlie
Has a good old solid business at his back On which he falls with safety when the
racing game is blue
And the market for the mug is sick and
The Grim woods and the Engleberts,
"Reliable" and Reeves
Will all for other collars need to look.
And say farewell to yelling odds and
scribbling on the leaves
Of that wildly puzzling tome, a fielder's
Big Bowman and his satellites, a diff'rence
too will know,
When anti-gambling robs them of their
Such billets don't on ev'ry bush in such pro-
That the av'rage man can always pick
The "rorter," too, will come, of course, be-
neath the iron heel,
So "Splinter's" little lurk the "John's"
While the welkin will reverberate a uni-
When the game of "Murrumbidgee" takes
"Father Tim's" sad lamentations will re-
echo far and wide,
And his "sweat-wheel" lying idly by will
When that mug manipulator has to put
aside his pride
And by heavy, honest yacker score a
Police court news note : "J. K. Methuen
charged Chas Cogan with detaining a four- roomed camp valued at £30." We now await with interest the apprehension of the desperado who has purloined a dairy farm, or who cannot lawfully account for a couple of racecourses in his possession.
"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach," somebody asserts ; but Dr. Jame- son and Mr. W. G. Brookman, M's.L.C.,
evidently believe in the old electioneering ; adage that the cardiac organs of the free and enlightened may he reached per medium of their offspring. List week the wortly pair,
in conjunction with Speed, M.L.C., good heartedly invited a large concourse of juveniles to witness an exhibition of bio- graph pictures ; and although the gentlemen named deserve unstinted praise for their forethought and generosity, the subsequent long winded back-scratching indulged in by the eminent medico regarding "my dear friend the Mayor of Perth," detracted not a
little from the children's amusement. Not-
withstanding the fact that a couple of hundred adults were present, the legislative sawbones inflicted upon the audience a flatulent and slobbersome eulogy of those who had provided the entertainment, Brookman to wit (and himself, inferentially). Speed, to his credit, said little except to "thank the children for attending in such numbers," but the doctah was greasy garrulity itself. After a tirade of twaddle regarding the much deplored absence of ''our esteemed Mayor," the prosy pulse feeler lowered his voice to an impressive whisper. "And what," he asked, ''shall we do when we leave here with the picture of our beloved Royalty fresh in our memories? What, I ask ——" Just then an impatient seven-year-old urchin interrupted the maun- dering medico. "Git work !" he piped.
In advertising the sale of a large estate in the country a contemporary announces "that intending parchasers will be driven out free to the place of sale (20 miles) in DRAYS." Let's hope for the journey slow and drear
The nags in the drays are staunch ;
But the agents in driving the purchasers out Might have given them "spring carts blanche."
In a suburb of Perth there resides a mer- chant who is unfortunate enough to be of the same name as a particularly pushful in- dividual who resides at a short distance from the first mentioned person's domicile. Time after time, No. 1, the merchant, has received written demands for payment of goods supplied and which No. 2 has received. Such trifles as cases of bottled ale, etc., rarely found their way to the right- ful person's cellar, the "Wrong Mr. Wright'' scoring in the majority of cases. About a month ago a son and heir (the first born) arrived at the dovecot of No. 1, and the hurriedly summoned nurse, after telephon- ing for a doctor, rang up for the business premises of the long-suffering merchant and informed him that he at last could con- gratulate himself on being a father. That astounded male person, having a quiverful of sons and daughters, gasped in horror; but eventually saw through the mystery and was pacified. When, a short time after, a parcel of infant's weird appurtenances arrived at the tenement of the wrong man, that individual merely smiled and redirected them to their proper owner, although time
and trouble was necessary to convince his suspicious wife that the nurse's and doctor's bills she found him laughing over were intended for No. 2. Last week a good thing happened.
The merchant, though no tippler, is a
stickler for good beverages, his private cellar being the envy of the neighborhood. Last week, in order to "break down" some special overproof whisky, he ordered from a Perth wine merchant a two-gallon jar of distilled water, which, plainly adorned with the said wine merchant's labels, was delivered at the wrong house. The water has not, of course, reached its proper owner, who for a few days couldn't understand why his namesake persistently avoided him, nor could he fathom when they DID meet, the receipient of the water blushed with the emphasis and ruddiness of a bullock driver's curse.
"Out of the mouths of babes ——." In a
Fremantle Sunday-school : "Where did all the good people go to when the Great Flood came?" Pupil: "Into Noah's Ark." Teacher : "Where did the wicked tyrants go to ?" Pupil (whose parents read the SUNDAY TIMES) : "Please, teacher, the
'Noah' West." ! !
*** *** ***
Apropos of the restriction of undesirable alien question, the immigration authorities in Fremantle have a tangled skein to unravel in connection therewith. An Italian who had booked from Naples to Colombo was overcarried to Fremantle, and was there charged with being a stowaway. The Dago proved, however, that the old maritime law had not been observed when the ship arrived at Colombo, viz., the posting up or calling out of the name of the port of call, and therefore proved that the charge of stowing away was untenable. "The ship's officers," says an exchange, "say that as the ship was leaving Colombo, the Italian shifted from his original position to another berth in an out of the way part of the steerage, a luggage cabin, to be exact." The SUNDAY TIMES is of opinion that the proper charge to have been brought against the resourceful Dago was "concealment of BERTH." ! !
Fremantle shipping notice : "Among the passengers in transit to London were Mr. George Musgrove, Miss Nellie Stewart and child. The SUNDAY Truss is noted for
being blushing bashfulness personified, but Mr. George Musgrove, Miss Nellie Stewart
and child —— ! !
One of the latest fashions for ladies' wear, a product of the Jingo craze, is the Baden Powell girdle, which is of the leather bandolier variety, but instead of being slung shoulderwise, takes the place of an ordinary belt ; but is worn extremely low, the effect of the foolish idea being to con- siderably impede the wearer's locomotion. Thereupon a yarn. The wife of a promi- nent St. George's Terrace stockbroker had just returned from the Melbourne celebra- tions, and arrived in Perth wearing one of the circlets mentioned. Just as she alighted
from the train an old battler from the Nor'- west spotted her. "S'truth !" he gasped to his equally amazed mate. "What price her sircingle?" The other guffawed. "That ain't a sircingle," he said. "Well," deman- ded the first speaker, "what is it ?" His mate took another gaze at the impeding girdle under discussion. "If it ain't a 'bowyang,'" he remarked reflectively,
"then it's one of her HOBBLES." ! !
News item: "The Undertakers Assist- ants' Union have asked the Board of Public Health that the public cemeteries be closed on Sunday, so that the undertakers' assist- ants would have to work only six instead of seven in the week." The muffled drum, please :—
"Only six days should we labor and the dear
So clamor thy wh'se garb and business reek
of mournful gloom ;
On the Sabbath day no dustman comes the
garbage box to break,
And on that day no "client" should his final
The law might also make it plain that no
one should expire
At times when undertakers' men a holiday
On Christmas and Easter tides no soul
should leave its clay,
If Crape and Co. have settled on a picnic
for that day ;
In fact, to sum the matter up, the "seven" should be thrown
On days appointed by an Act of Parliament
A Geraldton paper publishes a letter re- ceived from Trooper Arundel of that town, who is now serving in S'Africa. The epistle winds up as follows :— "We have only one officer, Lieutenant Burns, with us now, and only 52 men left out of the 125 who came from W.A. The rest are scat-
tered all over the country." The dastardly
explosive bullet again.
A well-known pioneer of Coolgardie re- cently settled down with his wife and family in Perth, and having a great fond- ness for his black-boy, whom he had adop- ted in his early prospecting days, trans- ported him also to Groperopolis. On the first evening after arriving the wife of the retired goldfielder requested the dusky underling to get ready the laundry appara- tus in the wash-house in the yard, prepara- tory to an early start next morning. His instructions were to fill the copper and put the fuel under it in readines for next day. The burnt cork rouseabout was also strictly enjoined to abstain from his free and easy
habit of sleeping in the fowlhouse, a little bedroom being got ready especially for him.
Early next morning the lady looked under the copper, and seeing everything ready started the fire, not stopping to see if any
water had been put in. A few minutes later she was startled by hearing a succession of piercing shrieks, screams, and yells, and rushing out discovered the inky servitor scrambling out of the copper, where he had
"dossed" all night ! !
It was generally understood in Melbourne that every child born in the city on the day of the Ducal landing was to be presented with a sovereign by his Dukeship and silver spoon by the Duchess. Expectant mothers were in a fever of excitement, and it is believed that in consequence new arrivals appeared on the scene a little earlier than might naturally have been expected. The husband of one materfamilias persisted in urging his claim, but Captain Wallington (an unsympathetic bachelor) said "Rub- bish." Go to Hansen, Chemist, to have your prescriptions accurately dispensed. Major
Exam. Victoria. From the Mutual Store Melbourne. Corner Hay and Pier streets Perth. — Advt.
Guaranteed Cure for Sore Feet, "Foot Comfort." All Boot Shops. — Advt.