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  2. FLOTSAM AND JETSAM.

    Drill Sergeant: "When I give the word of command, halt, you must bring that foot which is on the ground to that in the air, and remain motionless." ...

    Article : 35 words
  3. DETECTIVE.

    Hubby: "Maria, there's not a penny in my pockets. I'll belt you had a hand in this." ...

    Article : 18 words
  4. QUICK CHANGE.

    "Have you a good cook now?" "I don't know. I haven't been home since breakfast." ...

    Article : 17 words
  5. WRONG HOUSE.

    Tramp (to lady of the house): "Please, mum, I've lost two of my toes, and-" Lady: "Well, I haven't got them." (And she shut the door.) ...

    Article : 28 words
  6. SETTLED.

    "I have several reasons for not buying your automobile," said the man. "The first is that I haven't the mone- and—" "You needn't mention the others," in ...

    Article : 31 words
  7. FICTION.

    "Mrs. Scribbler, does your husband have many stories accepted?" Wife of the Author: "Well not the ones he tells me by way or explanation ...

    Article : 32 words
  8. QUITE SAFE.

    "If I should kiss you, what would happen?" She: "I should call father." He: "Then, I won't do it." ...

    Article : 26 words
  9. NOTHING NEW.

    "Scientists are seeking to discover the relation between colour and sound," remarked the learned man. "Well," chuckled the joker, "I've heard ...

    Article : 29 words
  10. DISCOVERED.

    Wife: "What would you do, George, if you were left a widower?" Hub: "Oh, I sunnose the same as you would if you were left a widow." ...

    Article : 42 words
  11. READY TO PROVE IT.

    He: "You really look nice enough to eat." She: "Well, I do eat, and there's the nicest little restaurant right over there." ...

    Article : 26 words
  12. SHOCKING.

    "i'm looking for something dainty in silk hose." "You'll have to wait a while. She's out to lunch just now." ...

    Article : 21 words
  13. CARELESS.

    "Did he speak about me particularly?" "No. At least, he wasn't at all particular what he said about you." ...

    Article : 21 words
  14. HE KNEW BETTER.

    Wife: "How do you suppose those dozens and dozens of empty bottles ever got into our cellar?" Hubby: I don't know; I never bought ...

    Article : 33 words
  15. ONLY A LIMB.

    The head of the college was very angry. "So you confess that this unfortunate young man was carried to the pump and drenched with water? Now what part did ...

    Article : 47 words
  16. OF A KIND.

    "There was a big boarding-house dynamited this morning. Did you hear about it?" "Not a word." . ...

    Article : 29 words
  17. OFF AND ON.

    Wife: "Harry just worships my hair. You should have seen how devotedly he caressed it last evening when he thought I wasn't looking." ...

    Article : 36 words
  18. INGRATIATING.

    "This is the fifth time that you have been brought before me," said the judge, severely. "Yes, your honour," smiled the offender. ...

    Article : 45 words
  19. FLUSTERED A BIT.

    "What's your order, sir?" asked the waiter. "Bring me," said the wild-eyed customer, some medium boiled potatoes and ...

    Article : 88 words
  20. HELPLESS.

    Married Daughter: "Oh, dear, such a time as I do have with that husband of mine. I don't have a minute's peace when he's in the house. He is always calling ...

    Article : 71 words
  21. WARY.

    The Prisoner: "There goes my hat. Shall I run after it?" Policeman: "What? Run away and never come back again? You stand here ...

    Article : 30 words
  22. NO PREFERENCE.

    Old-Timer: "The worst experience I ever had was when we ran out of port in a gale of wind." The Amateur: "Gracious! I thought ...

    Article : 30 words
  23. SMABT!

    Bell: "That man over there is staring straight at my nose." Nell: "Probably he's a reporter." Bell: "And why should a reporter stare ...

    Article : 43 words
  24. AT TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING.

    The Jolly Fellow (to the man above, Who has been dragged from his bed by the wild ringing of his front door bell): "One of your windows is wide open." ...

    Article : 59 words
  25. THE ABSENT COMEDIAN.

    "Ladies and gentlemen," said the manager before the curtain, "it is my unpleasant duty to inform you that Mr. C—, the star comedian, owing to illness, will not ...

    Article : 68 words
  26. RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION.

    Little Ruth was the youngest daughter in a very strict Presbyterian family that especially abhorred profanity. One day little Ruth became exceedingly ...

    Article : 70 words
  27. IDENTIFIED THE ANIMAL.

    The teacher had the letters c-a-t on the blackboard, and was trying to teach little Pansy Peavish to pronounce the word, but Pansy couldn't come to it ...

    Article : 73 words
  28. A DIPLOMATIST.

    "To what do you attribute your first start on the read to success?" asked the interviewer. "I think," said the selfmade man, "it ...

    Article : 54 words
  29. EXTRAORDINARY.

    "What became of that little kitten you had?" asked a lady visitor of a small boy. "Why, haven't you heard?" ...

    Article : 55 words
  30. SAVED BY SOAP.

    "If you please ma'am," said the tramp, as he rushed to the open kitchen door, "would you be so kind as to lend me a cake of soap for half a minute?" ...

    Article : 72 words
  31. CATCHING THE FISH.

    The customer had waited fifteen minutes for the fish he had ordered. He was very quiet as he sat there, but internally there was a seething. ...

    Article : 99 words
  32. WHAT HE FEARED.

    Prospective Patient to Dentist: "I suppose I ought to take something to deaden the pain, but I'm afraid of this gas you use." ...

    Article : 76 words
  33. NEVER THOUGHT OF IT.

    Socialistic Tramp: "They orter take all the money in the world an' divide it up equal, so every gay'd git his share, that's what they orter do." ...

    Article : 60 words
  34. BRILLANT IDEAS.

    "I've found a new use for those gramophone records you bought last week, and which cost such a lot of money," said his wife. ...

    Article : 122 words
  35. THE MAYOR'S DOWNFALL.

    The mayor of a provincial town riding in his motor found himself a long wav from home, and wanting water for his two acetylene [?] He drove on in ...

    Article : 123 words
  36. TWO ISMS.

    "The worst of all isms," said the leoturer, "is pugilism." "Pardon me, my friend," rejoined a man who had just entered the hall on ...

    Article : 48 words
  37. HEY GOT THE SACK.

    First Actor: "I hear that the orchestra in your theatre was sacked in a body the either night. What was the matter?" Second Actor: "Why, they spoilt the ...

    Article : 83 words
  38. A REGULAR CUSTOMER.

    A little Irishman, smoking a short clay pipe, entered the crowded inn of a market town, walked up to the bar, elbowed several customers aside, took a match from ...

    Article : 180 words
  39. THE DIFFERENCE.

    The sign on Farmer Jones's place, "No hunting or fishing allowed here," didn't keep little Tommy Lewis from crawling under the fence. ...

    Article : 122 words
  40. WISE YOUNG MAN.

    "Yes," said the old man, to his young visitor, "I am proud of my girls, and would like to see them comfortably married, and as I have made a little money ...

    Article : 109 words
  41. HIS VIEW.

    Sparker and Plug had just returned from a glorious motor spin, and as they sat in Sparker's dining-room they talked of many things, despite the noise of ...

    Article : 117 words
  42. TOO LONG.

    The advertisement manager of a daily newspaper was sitting at his desk when a tall, weedy youth from the country walked in and said he wanted an In memoriam" ...

    Article : 122 words
  43. FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT.

    He had been elected member for his native county, and had gone up to the metropolis to take his seat in the House. He was a modest, retirins individual, ...

    Article : 145 words
  44. SUSPICIOUS.

    She had packed her trunk and was now giving her husband the final commands before she left him for a holiday. "You'll not forget, John," she said, "to ...

    Article : 161 words
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